Five Tips for Handling a Moody Teenager

Don’t be frustrated – these five clear, practical tips will help you feel both empowered and empathetic when dealing with your moody teen.

Anybody who’s ever been a teenager and anyone who’s ever raised a teenager (all of us, that is) knows that teenagers can get moody. One minute, they’re cheerful and prattling on about school play and the next minute, they’re irate because someone ate the last bag of muddy buddies that they were saving to take to school. Worse is when it’s something you’ve said that has sent them spiraling. Worse yet is when you have no idea what it is that you said that sent them off in tears. Your teen’s erratic mood swings can be exhausting and challenging to deal with. 

Below are five practical tips to help you and your teen(s) navigate their sometimes stormy emotions and build a harmonious, if not necessarily, calm relationship. 

1. Understand the Makeup of Your Teenager’s Brain

It’s been scientifically proven that the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision-making, impulse control, and reasoning, is still developing in teenagers. (It doesn’t get fully developed until their mid 20’s – joy!) This can lead to mood swings, impulsive behavior, and heightened sensitivity. Understanding that these changes are part of their biology can sometimes take the edge off your frustration. 

Ella, one of my workshop participants, shared how validating it was to learn about the biology of a teenager’s brain. Understanding that it’s just the way Hashem created teenagers shifted Ella’s entire perspective toward her children. She was then able to approach her teens with more patience and empathy. 

2. Don’t Take It Personally

When your teenager snaps at you or retreats to their room, it’s easy to feel hurt. However, it’s important to remember that their moodiness usually isn’t about you. Teenagers are often dealing with internal struggles, from unwieldy hormones to social pressures to academic stress, and their reactions are often a reflection of those challenges. 

Miriam, one of my clients, related how every conversation with her teenager left her feeling attacked. It became debilitating—until she learned that teenagers often don’t have control over their volatile emotions. After their outbursts, they often feel terrible. Miriam realized this and was able to respond more calmly and lovingly. 

3. Connect with Them

Your teenager may act like he doesn’t want to talk to you. He may roll his eyes when you ask how his day was or run into his room as soon as he comes home, but deep down, he craves connection. Checking in often, even when they respond with an irritated sigh or one word answer, shows them that you care. 

Devorah recounted a story about her 12-year-old coming home from school, all bent out of shape and refusing to talk. Instead of pressing her son to tell her what happened, Devorah connected with him in another way, suggesting they work on his favorite puzzle together. After a short while, her pre-teen opened up about what was bothering him. 

But even if they don’t open up, your consistent effort to connect lays the foundation for trust and communication in the future. 

4. Set Clear Boundaries

Maybe your teenager complains that you’re always telling her what to do and she hates it! Don’t be fooled – teens desperately need and want boundaries, especially when their emotions feel all over the place. Setting clear, consistent rules helps them understand what’s expected of them. Be firm but fair. When your teens know the rules and consequences, it reduces conflict and creates a sense of inner stability even during emotional ups and downs. 

A 19-year-old client, Atara, once confided that even though she outwardly hated when her parents set limits, she actually secretly appreciated it. It made her feel protected and cared for that they didn’t just allow her to do anything she wanted. 

5. Be Empathetic

Many times teens feel like no one understands them, especially their ancient parents. Empathize with her feelings and challenges, even if they seem exaggerated or unpredictable. Try to remember how it was when you were her age, what a big deal everything was then. Remind him that you’re both on the same team. You want him to succeed!