We asked our readers, “What’s the best piece of advice you would share with Jewish newlyweds?”
Then, the advice came pouring in. That’s when we realized that the tips were good for all Jewish marriages, no matter what age or stage you’re in. These are the marriage tips our readers have to share with each other.
Don’t nag! You can still be your fun self that you were when you were dating–even with your new responsibilities
It’s a lack of emunah to think you could’ve done better. Hashem gave you exactly what you need. Don’t compare yourself to others!
You can live happily ever AFTER hard work.
Shalom Bayis beats being right.
Gratitude! Always be thankful and don’t have any expectations!
Look for the good and you’ll see the good.
Don’t focus on the goals–focus on the journey! You have your whole lives to figure out this thing called marriage.
Don’t expect anyone else to make you happy. You are responsible for your own happiness.
Treat your husband like a king and he’ll treat you like a queen!
Try to wear rose-colored glasses and see him in a positive light as much as possible .
Show respect and don’t take anything for granted! That includes simple, little, everyday deeds.
Your husband doesn’t need to see how busy you are. He will appreciate seeing you relaxed and calm.
Appreciate your husband’s efforts to take care of you (even if it’s not what you had in mind, eventually he will get it right). Men are very sensitive and will stop trying if not appreciated.
Don’t try to change your spouse to what you wish or envision they could be. That will only cause you unhappiness. You can only change yourself or your perspective. Work on accepting your differences and noticing all the positive great qualities that your spouse does have.
Wake up each morning and think of one way you will show your husband that you RESPECT him today. Keep it real and it will go a long way. It’s a life changer…for both of you!
From Ted Lasso: Be a goldfish. They have a 10 second memory span. You don’t need to remember every remark from your spouse forever. Don’t take everything personal.
Expectation vs. reality is usually not the same. Expectations are often based on your observation of others’ relationships vs. reality is your unique relationship with your spouse.
Learn each other’s love language. Make it your mission to make each other happy and feel loved.
Try not to overburden your husband too much with heavy intense things. Try to be fun, light, easy…save the intense convos for less frequent times.
Marriage doesn’t have rules! You do your best and be kind!
Marriage takes work. Never stop learning. Work on yourself for your marriage. Always choose shalom, stay calm, speak gently and calmly.
Don’t compare. Don’t look at another marriage and think it’s better. No one will ever have the same marriage as you & your spouse.
Take it slow! Don’t have any expectations from your spouse or yourself. Just let time take its course and live in the moment! Beginnings are hard but also so beautiful!
Don’t make things so complicated . Try to make problems as small and less complex if possible.
It’s ok if Shana Rishona isn’t all rosy! A new relationship takes work.
Whoever says it’s all fun and games is lying. Beginnings are hard for everyone! Don’t think you’re the only one.
When going gets tough, remember what attracted you to each other in the first place and led you to this commitment. Keep looking for the positives and express your appreciation to your spouse.
People have expectations of a rosy, amazing shana rishona. Not always is shana rishona so simple, it can be very hard! If you are experiencing this, know you are normal and it will get better with time and work, bezH.
Expect ups and downs and that’s ok. Try and build as much as possible . Try to understand each other from their perspective.
Marriage is like an ekg, it will have its ups and downs. Don’t despair when it’s down, do your best and it will pass.
Very often the midah that bothers you is the same midah you love about them in a different package. For example, if they are always on top of everything and organized, they also won’t let the little things just slide through the cracks, even when it drives you bananas.
I heard these wise words from R’ Ezriel Tauber zt”l: Every person is a raw diamond. How do we polish and carve a diamond to be a beautiful stone? With friction of another diamond. So is marriage, two diamonds with friction/learning to give in, until you create the two beautiful stones of shalom bayis.
Understand that you are coming from different backgrounds and may have been raised differently. Listen to each other and try to understand the other’s point of view.
Be patient. Don’t think that if you have a problem today it means that you will have this issue your entire married life. You’ll both grow up and many issues will resolve themselves over time, just by maturing.
Respect each other and respect the marriage as its own entity.
Try to stay happy and positive even when the house is a mess or dinner isn’t cooked. Your husband (and kids) would rather have a happy wife (and mother) than everything being together at every moment.
Complements go such a long way and truly help you in the long run because your spouse wants to make you happy.
Spell out exactly what’s bothering you. Men almost never take a hint. They mean well though.
If you argue or disagree don’t think there’s something seriously wrong. You’re just getting used to your differences.
Never ask the question “Why?” like, “Why did you leave the light on? Or why did you leave the garbage there? Or why didn’t you put the laundry in the basket?” Change your words and next time say, “Would you mind closing the light the next time you leave the room?’, or “Are you able to put the laundry….
Saying I’m sorry means “I love you more than I love being right.”
Not everything has to be a surprise! Birthdays, anniversaries, etc. lots of disappointment and resentment can be avoided by making plans together and being on the same page about what your partner likes/wants in terms of gifts, etc.
Accept compliments so he gives it again! As girls we’re not used to getting so many compliments and he wasn’t really trained to give them to you. If you’ll accept them graciously when they do come (thank you, I love to hear that), he’ll continue in this direction.
If you never argue you will never know how you make up. So argue and find your way back to peace.
Communicate! Don’t be afraid to verbalize what you need or how you would like him to respond to certain situations. He wants to know how to make you feel comfortable, happy and safe. By telling him how you feel, you’re saving yourself a lot of frustration.
Always remember your husband comes first! He comes before your children, your mother , your sisters, and your friends.
Your Marriage IS the most important thing in your life! More than kids! Kids will grow up and move out. You chose your husband. He will stay by your side forever. Make this relationship count.
Don’t forget: unity, oneness, connection is the goal.
Learn to rely on your husband, go to him first rather than running to your mother or friend for every little thing; it will make you stronger as a couple.
Do fun things together! Continue to date each other for the rest of your lives.
Having a regular date night feels dumb when you’re a newlywed. It might be because you’re already alone at home or it’s too expensive. But when things get busier down the road you have the foundation set up to remember how you ended up here.
Put your chasunah money in savings if you can.
Create a master list of dinners you like, divided by type. Ten years later, I still use the list to make my menu for the week (with new things always being added).
Tackle their wedding album as soon as you get your pictures.
Start your life by keeping your house clean and free of clutter, is pretty much setting yourself up for good habits long term.
Get on the same page regarding your finances. Extra bonus if you can be in the same paragraph.
Remember that you may have grown up with different attitudes towards spending, what to do on vacation, or how to deal with people when they are upset, some give space, others want to hash it all out.
His problems are not your problems and it’s not altruistic of you to take them on as your own. Give him space to do his own growing.
It’s ok to spend time independently’ it’ll make the time together more special.
Don’t chew his ear off the minute he comes home. If he had a long day, give him time to relax and just be pleasant! He doesn’t need to hear every nuance of your day–complain about the ‘little stuff’ to a friend if possible to help keep bonding time more of what it should be.
Don’t go into a cave and forget about your friends; you still need them and you still need to have a social life even when you’re a newlywed.
Stay in touch with your friends! It’s so much harder to make new friends or to get back in touch with friends if you haven’t been in touch.
Parents do not belong in the middle of your private relationship with your spouse. If you have concerns, seek guidance from a neutral professional. But do seek guidance! Sometimes, young people don’t understand what is normal and what is not.
Don’t complain about your spouse to your parents.
Just because your parents each handled specific tasks (laundry,paying bills) doesn’t mean it will be the same for you and your spouse.
A lot of experiences from your childhood will come up. You and your husband will learn a lot about how these experiences affected you as an adult and in a relationship, whether it’s positively or negatively. Hang in there and learn from it. It’s a journey!
Don’t let parents use you as a middleman to speak to your spouse. If they have something that they’re upset/annoyed about, tell them to resolve it directly with your spouse.
Never start a sentence with “My mother said…”
Being financially independent should always be the goal. It may take time, but it’s hard to mature if you still have Daddy’s credit card.
Read books on marriage and relationships. The more you know, the better equipped you will be to handle disagreements and setbacks.
Read “The Empowered Wife!” (Yes, newlyweds too, because it’s so much easier to prevent the problems then to try to fix them later.)
Get advice from older and wiser people (maybe a mentor or Rabbi)–not your friends who have been married just a bit longer. There are wonderful organizations that can help with many different challenges. Sometimes it is just a matter of knowing who to contact.
Reach out for help when needed. One resource includes the Ani Ledodi Helpline.
Everyone should have someone reliable to talk to about private matters, especially when dealing with taharat hamishpacha.
Read “Ten Really Dumb Mistakes That Highly Intelligent Couples Make,” by The Shmuz’s Rabbi Shafier. It’s a game-changing way to learn about the differences between men and women.
|