How you respond to your homesick child can make or break her summer. Read this before you get the call!
We pack them up and send them off, hoping that they’re having the time of their life, and that they’re so, so happy in camp. But what do you do when you get that first phone call and your child is homesick?
Kids are more connected than ever, and that increases the homesick tendencies than in years past. Still, we need solutions to empower our children.
We turned to veteran camp mothers, who are most experienced in dealing with this. They see how children acclimate quickly and get over initial homesickness…and they see the children who don’t. And, most often, it’s how the parent responds to the child that empowers them to adjust or not.
To our dear camp mothers–thank you for all you do for our children! And thank you for sharing the tips and tools so we can best deal with homesickness…and help our children move forward to have an amazing summer.
- When you first get the call from your child and hear that she is homesick, empathize. Know that any child can have this feeling–even if that child was so excited about camp all year. The feeling can hit whether it’s their first year in camp or whether they’ve been in camp before. Validating feelings can solve part of homesickness; it’s ok to miss your mother and your home! Stay calm and encouraging. Don’t say, “You’re not happy?” but rather, “Tell me about some things you enjoyed.” Another good way to convey empathy in a healthy way is, “We know it’s hard, but we know you can do it! We will work this through and are here for you!”
- Never, ever tell your child, “I’ll take you home in a few days if you’re not happy.” When a child hears that, it prevents them from acclimating and giving camp a try. When a parent says that, they’re feeding into “When I can’t cope, I’ll just give up.” Eventually, she will calm down and feel more safe in camp, but when she hears that she can come home, she starts packing in her mind.
- Know that this is part of their growth, homesickness and all. Your child is in camp. There is no harm. Sometimes, things are uncomfortable and not perfect. The camp will help your child work through it, but when your child learns to cope even when things are not perfect, they’re gaining a tool for life.
- Call the camp mother and make a plan. For example, sometimes a camp mother will encourage the child to participate in camp activities, with the incentive that she can call her mother the next morning–but not today. Yes, you can call–but not on a whim. Don’t tell your daughter to “call whenever she wants.” It’s best when those extra phone calls are a privilege after she works hard to be distracted. Work together with the camp mother to keep things moving forward, until the homesickness fizzles out.
- Is your child crying and crying? You feel guilty hanging up. But she will be crying afterwards regardless of how long you drag out the conversation. It’s best to cut the conversation with your expressions of empathy and confidence (see #1…“We know you can do this! I will be in touch with the camp mother to check up on you.”)
- Both parents should be on the same page. Sometimes one parent is more of a softie than the other. Get on the same page before you communicate with your child (if your husband is the softie, show him these tips!).
- Your child is most often not as miserable as she sounds. Sometimes when they are just a bit unhappy, hearing mom’s voice awakens those homesick feelings and makes it worse. It might sound like their voice is cracking and they’re about to cry. This can happen even with kids who are not homesick! It’s very common that they’re having a blast with friends, but sound completely different when speaking to you.
- Should a child call home? Every camp has a different policy regarding calling home in the beginning. In some camps, it’s before the first Shabbos or after the first Shabbos, but not in the first few days. Other camps have the children wait longer, as most often, homesickness resolves itself within a week. As far as calling home after that time period, if calling home makes a child feel better, great. If it makes them feel more homesick, then perhaps it’s better to call less. See the above tip regarding using phone calls as a privilege/incentive.
- Don’t spend time with a homesick friend. Crying is contagious, so if two of you are feeling homesick, it’s best to separate for the time being and spend time with other friends until you both acclimate.
- Participate in all camp activities. The best way to get over homesickness is to be busy and distracted. For younger children, sometimes the hardest times are when there’s downtime. Very social kids know how to make themselves busy during unstructured time, but for others, it’s a good idea to send along a card game so they can initiate an activity. Even though it’s not good to be sitting with a book when they should be participating in an activity, it’s a good idea to have one on hand for that time right before lights out–they can be distracted instead of thinking about their homesickness. Some camp mothers have a supply of games and books to borrow.
- Preempt if you think homesickness will be a concern. Always be in touch with the camp mother or nurse if there is anything going on at home before you send your child to camp because that may contribute to homesickness.
- Sometimes, homesickness is just a nature that doesn’t go away, even with age. There’s such a thing as “Happy and Homesick.” Some children and even teens simply will always have their moments when they feel homesick. They could love camp–but they still get sentimental. One camp mother shared that even as counselors, some former campers still had their moments. It’s healthy to be able to sit with it and know it’s something you just have to get through–and that you’ll love camp nonetheless.
- It’s not always homesickness. Note that most phone calls are timed (kids are pressured to hand off the phone to the next friend) and in public places. If your child doesn’t sound right and it’s out of character, it could be that she has something simple and private to share, but she is uncomfortable. It could be something physical and she just needs information. If you suspect that your child is holding back, you can reach out to the camp mother to find out if your child needs a quick phone call with privacy.
- Be aware that homesickness can manifest itself in physical symptoms. Headaches, stomachaches, nauseousness can simply be signs of homesickness. If your child has gone to the nurse and is otherwise fine, often the tips above can cure the symptoms more than any medicine.
It’s you the parents who are integral in your child’s success this summer! We hope these tips and information help you give your child the most amazing and meaningful summer where they grow and shine.
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