Not every child adjusts well to new sleeping places and schedules, away from his familiar surroundings and comforts. This is how you can help ease the transition.
The most hectic time of year!
Mothers you earned the reward!
The children are off to school and things are slowly falling into schedule. The kids are adjusting and quite frankly you are adjusting to the new routine. Hurried mornings to get everyone out on the right foot. Of course, you are relieved that Yanky has settled in better than expected. You definitely did quite a bit of talking to him and he seemed to connect with what was discussed. As you’re putting together your Yom Tov menu and running on last minute errands you can’t seem to take Yanky out of your mind. Whenever you have a guest or go away Yanky makes such a fool of himself and everyone around him. He always puts himself into awkward positions and makes tantrums about everything even more than the average day.
“How do I help him? How will I go to my parents without all these difficult situations coming up? They put Yanky in the worst light. It makes me feel like such an incompetent parent. I almost wanted to stay home because of him.”
So again, mothers let’s put on our therapist hats again and try to imagine as many scenarios as possible that may crop up. What are some difficulties that lie in Yanky’s way?
Start with preparing him with where he will be sleeping, and where he will be sitting at the table. Try to give him as many choices as possible. Meaning if there is an option between 2 beds or bedrooms give him the choice. Choices are empowering. Let him know where he will be sleeping and what’s expected of him. For example, he must put his suitcase in the corner of the room and keep his stuff contained. Go through a meal with him and discuss which extended family will be at the seudah. Let him know how excited everyone is to be together and enjoy.
Then explain to him what issues can be problematic. Explain how everyone feels when you overreact. Help him understand how uncomfortable everyone feels when you aren’t listening to authority, or you are being wild when everyone is listening to someone talk. Ask him if it’s too hard for him to have self-control. Ask him if he’d rather stay home for Yom Tov by the neighbor or an aunt even though you will be sad if he doesn’t come. (Of course, that is not an option, and he doesn’t want that either.) But once he “chooses to come” he must follow the decorum. Give him a scapegoat if things get overwhelming. For example, he can go to his room with a book or maybe you can buy a game or toy he can play by himself in a quiet corner. He can always come next to Mommy for a tight hug or a wink when he feels uncomfortable since Mommy always understands you.
But if he is part of the crowd he must behave like the crowd. A good idea would be to put in place a positive and negative plan to reinforce or motivate him. Like an ice cream after Yom Tov if he makes mommy and himself proud. And finally, give him the words of confidence that you know he can do it and you know he will make himself proud.
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This is a great topic and very timely. As a child therapist, some of the suggestions caught me by surprised. You suggest asking (seemingly rhetorically) if it’s too hard for him to have self-control. It may very well be too hard for him! It sounds like he is getting overstimulated and dysregulated. His window of tolerance is narrowed. Even for adults, yom tov in a different environment can be stressful and our self-control is stretched thin. Instead of asking this question, which may lead to shame and coming across in a demeaning way, how about going straight to strategizing those ideas. In fact, we can involve the whole family in finding unique ideas that can help each of us when we feel tense. Additionally, I am concerned with the fake choice of going to a neighbor or aunt. In reality, he may very well choose to go to someone else, should he truly have the choice. Instead of validating his struggle and offering him an out, this “choice” essentially gives the message: shape up or you’re not welcome. Offering false choices is dangerous and takes away the very safety that is needed to regulate. Moreover, the assertion that he must “act like everyone else.” Every child has different needs and abilities. Acting like everyone else may be out of his ability! There’s a difference between setting limits and expectations, and essentially sending the message that you are not okay as you are.
So well put. Many of these ideas can be helpful even when staying home, if you'll be having guests!
as Bubby of a child who has a hard time out of routine, I can say that part of it lays on us, not on the young child, to allow the parents to parent and not mix in when they are trying to either discipline or regulate behavior. Mommies, it’s a good idea to bring along (or ask Bubby to buy, we’re happy to while we’re in the grocery anyways!) some healthy options if nothing at a seuda works. It’s fine for a kid to eat bread and pb but don’t assume we’ll have the brand Child likes! In addition, it’s a good idea not to put on the child new clothes for the first time on Yom Tov away from home–let him/ her get used to the new feelings at home and not discover at Bubby/Tante/friend’s house that something feels itchy/uncomfortable for whatever reason (and yes, it could be the shoe/tights/pj’s, not just the clothes themselves!) it’s a great idea to bring Child’s own blanket/pillow/even sheet if that will help to feel more “at home.”
Mommies, please realize we love you and we only want what’s best even if sometimes it’s hard for us to express it! Please help us think in advance of ways to help your children love Bubby’s house!
As a mother of a child like this I have done extensive research and work wwith the best therapists. I second what Aliza Katz writes we have to understand that they can get dysregulated quicker than the’average’ child and help them by preempting it as much as is in our capability to and not demean them by saying you have to act like everyone else. Secondly the question of saying do you want to stay by a neighbor is the worst possible suggestion. This gives the child the feeling that I am too much to handle and you don’t want me.
Hatzlacha to all mothers during this hectic yt season
Yes this is very helpful
Maybe the family needs to consider staying home for Yom Tov?
Or if it’s too much for the mother, she can have the “fake option” of going to her neighbor or aunt? 🙂