Updated! How to Be a Good Carpooler

Some people dread carpool. And with good reason. It’s not just the traffic.

I have lots and lots of experience carpooling. At one point in my life a couple of years ago, I was part of six different carpools (!). When I wrote the first version of this post in 2017, though, most of my carpooling experience was with preschoolers who needed to be seatbelted-in and helped in and out of the car. Since then, I’ve had lots more experience carpooling all ages and all types. And while, Baruch Hashem, I’ve always had great carpooling partners, there are lots of do’s and don’ts I’ve learned along the way.

First of all, consider it a blessing if you’re in a group with mature, responsible moms with whom you get along. Don’t take it for granted. Not every carpool is so apolitical. 

 

1. Always be a favor ahead.

I said this then, and I’ll say it again. This is the #1 carpool rule. You never know when you’ll need a favor and it’s always great when you’re a favor or two ahead, because people will be more readily willing to jump in and save you too when you need it. So, yes, be one or two favors ahead. But perhaps it’s not such a good idea to be four favors ahead. Because then you’re not nice, then you’re a doormat. (And while I’ve never personally been in a carpool with people who take advantage, I have heard horror stories.) Sometimes carpools are tit-for-tat. No one wins when this is the case. You have to break this cycle and the tone. (Yes, I have coached other carpoolers in breaking the tit-for-tat nature of their carpools! It’s possible!). If you are available, be flexible! When a couple members of the carpool act happy to be flexible, the tone will spillover and change the tit-for-taters (hopefully). And yes, it’s possible to have a carpool where people fight over the opportunity to help out in a pinch! That’s the goal!

2. What’s the rule when someone has two children in a carpool?

I’ve had so many people ask me this question. In general, if your two kids are preventing someone else from joining the carpool, then you should drive two days per week. For example, let’s say this is a preschool carpool and there’s only room for five kids in most cars (many mothers of preschoolers also have a baby with them). Since you have two kids, there’s only four mothers in this carpool. If there is another person in the immediate neighborhood who would have joined if there was space, making it five kids, with one day per week each, then you should definitely drive twice. If, however, there are no other kids in the neighborhood who would be in this carpool, and your extra kid is not taking a spot that would go to someone else, and there’s room for everyone, then you do not need to drive twice.
If everyone needs to take out a carseat and make arrangements for someone to watch their baby to have space to fit the extra child, then this is another factor to consider and it may be appropriate to drive twice. That would depend on the specific composition of the carpool and isn’t a blanket rule.
If you are not taking up someone else’s spot, though, recognize that more kids takes more time. When they’re younger, they may need to be seat-belted or helped in and out. When they’re older and more independent, it may mean waiting for another kid. Don’t just take it for granted that everyone should drive your two children. Offer “the extra” rides whenever possible–be flexible to help out this carpool a little more than the average person’s share. Be the one who wants to do her share, even if you don’t officially need to do a double share.
The same applies if your house is more out-of-the-way than the others in your carpool! If it takes more driving and turns for the other mothers to come to your stop vs. all the others, apply the same rules. While you may not need to “do double,” offer to do more, since they are doing more on a daily basis to include you.

4. Make sure your child is ready.

Of course, exceptions always happen and there might be a day when your toddler hid your preschooler’s shoes under the couch cushions. But, in general, make sure your child is ready to walk out the door when carpool arrives. Don’t be the person who always keeps the carpool waiting (and don’t send them into a morning carpool with a messy breakfast!). For older children, this is the case too! If your child is keeping another mother waiting on a regular basis while you’re snoozing, yes, you should wake up before or at the same time as your child. It’s often easier for a teen to wake up when other people in the house are ‘up.’ Yes, there’s only so much that teens can be rushed along, and often it’s not in your control. But it’s not right to “teach your child independence” at other people’s expense. If your teen is very responsible and reliable and has no trouble getting up early on his own, then sure, sleep away. 

5. Are you running late?

It happens. Being on time is an obvious carpool rule, but unexpected things do pop up. Send a text with your ETA so your fellow carpoolers aren’t staring aimlessly at the window waiting for your arrival. They can get other stuff done too, rather than sit and wait.  I find that with carpools with younger children, late or early habits are dependent on the mother. Once children are older, and kids all move at a different pace, this gets more challenging. 

6. Child not coming today?

If your child is not coming, let your fellow carpooler know ahead of time. How many times do we pick go to pick up or wait for a child and he’s not there?

7. Did your child stay home from school on the day that it’s your turn to drive?

It’s still your responsibility. Sure, you can ask someone to switch, but if no one is available (I hope one of them will be, this is a good time to use one of those favors you earned in #1), you must go anyway.

8. Be home or make sure someone is home.

If your child is too young to be home alone, it’s not your carpooler’s responsibility to find a place for him. Of course, it’s great to carpool with your child’s friends, and perhaps take turns taking each other’s kids for playdates so you both have days where you have extra time to get those errands done. And, of course, like mentioned below in in #11, there will be exceptions…

9. Love all the (little) kids as if they’re your own.

This mostly pertains to younger children who need more care. Care about the safety of each of them. (And if it’s little kids, it’s helpful to have extra boosters around, they don’t have to be expensive, like this one. ) Sometimes little children are sad, especially in the morning. You don’t need to ignore them and listen to your own music or shiur. You can do that all day long. For preschoolers, it’s a great idea to engage with them, sing silly songs, and talk to them like the little people they are. They’ll get distracted and start the day happy in no time, and it’ll be to your credit. It’s not just a carpool chore to get over with…you’ve been trusted with precious cargo. (Note: When driving older children, particularly boys, do not talk at all! You can quietly speak to your own child sitting in the front passenger seat about things that are not personal.)

10. Hashem loves those who don’t need to be right.

You might sometimes encounter a situation that isn’t fair and you simply can’t knock sense into the other person. It might be eating you up alive. Let it go. Picture yourself ripping the burden from your heart and throwing it away. Once you are mevater, and you give up “justice,” and the need to “be right,” you will feel so much better. Even if you’re stuck with the more difficult and less desirable day/route, you will feel lighter and better when put yourself in that “happy to give” mode vs. keeping the “this is so unfair” mindset.

11. Everyone makes mistakes

Been there, done that, on both ends. There are days where we ran into traffic and didn’t beat the carpool home, or days our child decides to have a tantrum as his carpool pulls into the driveway. For early morning carpools, there are times when the alarm clock didn’t ring (yup, happened to me!), or days when we simply didn’t realize it was our turn! Mistakes happen, we’re all human, and when they’re one-time things and not habits, be forgiving. 

12. Is carpooling not your thing?

It could be that it works better for you to drive and pick up your own child. But, sometimes you need some backup. Instead of a carpool, make an “uncarpool” agreement with another mom who’s also transporting her own child. You both cover for each other on days that one of you might not be available. See #1 as that tip is relevant here too.

Do you have any tips for happy carpooling? Any other carpooling questions?