Do you need a quick refresher on wife-husband communication? This is a quick guide to understanding what he hears when you express yourself in a less than direct way.
“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure that you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
– Robert J. McCloskey
Ever feel like you’re speaking a different language than your husband?
Wouldn’t it be great if there was an app to tell you what your husband actually heard?
Until it’s invented, here’s a handy dandy Universal Translator of Female to Male © [women’s edition].
Ready to test it out? Here are some samples.
Statement type A: The Reminder
You say
“It’s 9:00, don’t you think you should be leaving to Maariv?”
Or: “Make sure to pay the electric bill, you don’t want to get changed a late fee like last time.”
Or: “Are you really eating that Danish for breakfast?”
He hears:
“I don’t trust you to be responsible and make your own decisions.”
Ouch! Not what you really meant to convey, is it?
And yet, it’s true. Even when made with the most loving care and concern… leading questions, reminders, instructions and demands demonstrate to your husband that he is not receiving one of the things he values most in your relationship: your trust and respect.
App wisdom: A man is wired to be a Mashpia [Provider]. We bring out the best in him when we demonstrate trust that he will fulfill his responsibilities, and respect for making his own personal choices.
Statement type B: The Qualifier
You say:
“I see you did the shopping, but when I asked you to get 10 cucumbers, of course I meant the Persian kind, not giant English!”
“Thanks for washing the dishes, but you got water all over the floor .”
“I appreciate you taking the kids out so I could cook, but why did you have to get them ice cream and spoil their appetites for dinner?”
He hears:
“Don’t bother trying to help me – you’ll never get it right.”
Hey, wait a minute – do I ever get to tell him how I really want things to be done? Sure you do… but NOW is the worst time to do it.
App wisdom: Unqualified gratitude will get you a long way towards an emotionally connected relationship… and getting more help in the future. Pause and decide if this particular detail is worth that sacrifice. If it’s something really important to you, feel free to insert it into a future request (“I need 10 cucumbers – you know, the small skinny kind, not the big ones.”)
Statement Type C: The Hidden Agenda
Scenario A: It’s motzai Shabbos, the house is clean and the kids are asleep. You say, “Do you want to order in some pizza?” …and he says “Nah.”
Scenario B: He says, “what do you want for your birthday this year?” and you say, “I know finances are tight, I don’t need you to get me anything.” … and he doesn’t.
Scenario C: You potchke’d to make a fun melave Malka meal, just for the 2 of you. After havdala, he says “Oh, I forgot to tell you, the chevra is making a goodbye party for one of the guys who is moving, do you mind if I go?” And you say, “It’s fine.”… so he leaves.
Now, every card-carrying female on the planet knows what each of those statements ACTUALLY means:
- “I want to order pizza”
- “I want a surprise gift of jewelry”
- “It is absolutely NOT fine, and I wish you would stay home with me and appreciate the meal I prepared.”
Yet mysteriously, for some strange reason, his male brain heard:
“Do you want to order pizza” / “You don’t need to get me anything” / “It’s fine.”
(Crazy how that works, right?)
Here’s where I need to share this earth-shattering, life-altering epiphany with you (try not to faint, ‘K?):
Your husband is not a mind reader.
(Shocking, I know. But besides – would you REALLY want him to be able to read EVERYTHING that goes on in your brain? Didn’t think so.)
Now, this may get a tiny bit easier with time, but no matter how long you’ve been married, the most sure-fire way to communicate your desires to your husband is to…
(are you ready for this? You sure?)
… Say. What. You. Want.
Does that seem awkward? Vulnerable? Does it ruin the experience of receiving, if you need to ask for it?
Yes, it may be difficult to go up against a lifetime of conditioning at first. But keep in mind that your husband’s deepest sense of satisfaction comes from… making you happy. When you make it easier for him (and especially when you express appreciation afterwards), you’re one step closer on your journey to a deeper connection.
just what I needed to hear today!! thanks
and I LOVE that quote by Robert J. McCloskey.
thank you Alisa
Great article!
Always a great reminder of basics
Thank you!
love this!!! thank you!
Love this!! but how come women have such a hard time saying what we want????
This is so basic Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. If you read any marriage books, they all have the same theme: communication.
Communication does not mean that you have to tell your husband everything. It means that in every conversation with your husband, the only way to avoid resentment/fights is to be very clear on what you mean, and attempt to step into a man’s shoes, for a minute.
Thank you for the informative and interesting article,