3 Ways to Make Sure Your Child Feels Whole

The root of “Chanukah” is “Chinuch.” These three chinuch lessons are a must-know for the well-being of your children.

In honor of Chanukah, let’s talk chinuch. There are many ways to explain the link between these two words, which share the same root, but let’s focus on one that is particularly relevant to parenting. On Chanukah, Chazal teach us, when we kindle the Chanukah licht, the world is luminous with sparks of the glorious light that has been hidden away since after the world was created, hidden away so that the purpose of creation can be actualized. During the first 36 hours of creation, when the ohr of the briah was still fully revealed, man had a sheer clarity that we’ve been trying to regain since. And all these years, we’ve been seeking, searching, groping in the dark. On Chanukah, these holy candles contain sparks of that clarity and they serve as a beacon of hope that one day very soon, the world will be aglow with the fullness of that brilliant light once again.

How does that connect to chinuch? Every child enters this world with a sense of wholeness. Yes, each child has his unique tafkid—often characterized by his lacks and the trajectory Hakadosh Baruch Hu set out for his life—but especially from an emotional perspective, a young child is the picture of perfection. Just watch an infant enjoy a hearty belly laugh or notice the intensity of his cry—his emotions stem from deep inside his nefesh. So pure, so real, so whole. 

As the child grows older, however, we notice that these laughs become more rare, the expression of emotion more stilted. Especially children who grow up in an environment of dysfunction or worse—resulting in disappointments, negative messages about the self, loss of a sense of safety and security, and, saddest of all, feeling unworthy of love—this aliveness fades into the cracks of their shattered self. Suddenly, they no longer know what it’s like to feel, what it’s like to experience joy. They move through life, perhaps even appearing superficially successful, but this shattered interior gives them no peace. They can be at a wedding but not feel joy. They can be at a levaya and be disconnected from their grief. 

But right now, right now, we’re speaking of the present, of the gift we’ve been granted by Hakadosh Baruch Hu to do it all right—for our own precious children. When the kids are still young, we’re granted so many opportunities to build them up, to teach them wrong from right, and also, to simply take a step back and leave their nefesh exquisitely whole.

There are myriad approaches to parenting and the sheer information overload may seem overwhelming, but one thing we can all agree on: So much—so much— about chinuch is simply about maintaining this wholeness, about doing our best to keep that light aglow. If there’s one powerful mantra to keep in mind in parenting, it’s this: Just don’t ruin it. Just don’t break it. 

But how do we manage that? Here are the first 3 of the various ways through which we can work toward this critical goal. 

1. Give space.

Since their heart is still wide open and they feel their experiences fully, young kids will often express a wide array of emotions. And they feel them intensely. When the toddler breaks the preschooler’s lego tower, that’s searing pain for him. He’s frustrated, disappointed, and so sad. And those emotions will very probably be exhibited through copious tears and loud cries, which Mom may or may not be in the mood of at that given moment. Whether it’s a preteen daughter who’s heartbroken over a friend who dropped her or a child who’s nervous for an upcoming spelling bee, the gamut of emotions is endless. 

As the parent, we have the chance to let our kids feel these emotions fully. When we say, “Wow, that really hurts,” or simply allow the child to process the feeling in a way that feels cathartic to them (as long as it doesn’t harm others), we’re giving them a priceless gift—their intact nefesh. 

It’s self-understood that comments like “Strong/smart/mature kids don’t cry/care/make a big deal about this,” are harmful, but even trying to problem-solve too quickly or distract the child from their emotion (here’s a lollipop for you) can detract from their wholeness. Most children are intuitively capable of letting an emotion pass through—just watch how an infant’s cry turns into a whimper, and a moment later he flashes the most radiant smile. By giving them their space to feel, we’re allowing them to keep tapping in to their own intuition regarding their emotional state, enabling them to grow into emotionally healthy adults. 

(If we find that our child’s natural expression of emotion irritates us to an extreme, we may want to explore our approach to dealing with emotions and how past experiences in this area may be inhibiting our own sense of self today.)

2. Label the behavior, not the child.

An oldie, but a goodie. Part of a child’s wholeness is her innate self-esteem. Her inner critic, after all, is still blessedly dormant. (Wouldn’t it be wonderful for us adults to experience that just for a day? [I’ll take even just an hour!]) And so, when discipline is required because of a child’s misbehavior, it’s important to be vigilant about labeling the negative behavior, never the child. Instead of “How can you be so irresponsible? Didn’t I tell you to keep an eye on the oven?” or “That was mean of you. He worked so hard on the project you just ruined!” opt for pointing out that the behavior was not okay, in gentler terms. We may be tempted to tell a child who’s taking her time in the morning, “You’re so lazy!” or “Can’t you just get your act together?” But when a child hears, “Please hurry up so you can get to school on time,” or “I can’t wait to see you in the kitchen so you can eat a calm breakfast before you leave,” she’s usually just as motivated—or even more—to get moving. And, most important of all, her inner critic has no fodder to feed off from.

3. Acknowledge the existence of all emotions.

Influenced by misconception, we may find ourselves telling a child that certain emotions are off limits. “It’s not nice to be jealous,” or “We don’t get angry,” are just two examples of statements that convey a subliminal message: “Something’s very wrong with me that I feel this way.” 

Let’s think about this for a moment. What does “Don’t be jealous,” even mean? And how can we expect little ones to master a middah the greatest amongst us battled until their last day? We may have graduated pre-school a few decades ago, but how do we feel when we’re exposed to a neighbor’s/friend’s/acquaintance’s success/new mansion/wealth/prize shidduch/beautiful family? Denying that these emotions exist within us and then chastising our kids for feeling this way simply perpetuates this denial to the next generation. The kid won’t magically stop being jealous; he’ll just pretend he isn’t, just like those before him. And what’s the result of that? A jealousy (or other emotion) that’s alive and kicking inside, unprocessed but powerful, possibly manifesting as resentment to others, a false sense of superiority (nebach on them that they spend so much on simchos, we’re way more sensible than that), and, most significant of all, a disconnection from the self, because when I can’t face what I’m feeling, I create a distance between the false me and the true self. And when we teach our kids to do the same, we tamper with their wholeness. 

But, you may wonder, doesn’t the Torah demand precisely this of us? Aren’t these bad middos that must be eradicated? Of course they are, and that’s part of our work in this world. But denying that they exist couldn’t be further than the route to take in dealing with them. In fact, it’s accepting that they exist that’s the important first step. When a child hears his mother say, “You really wish you can have that, right? I know, sometimes we’re jealous of others and I understand you for feeling this way. What can we do to deal with this feeling?” And then, depending on the circumstances, we can continue the conversation with an approach that will actually help the child process his jealousy, such as “Right everyone gets what’s meant for them?” or, “What do you have that’s really special for you?” 

Every Friday night, at our Shabbos table, my husband teaches the kids the taryag mitzvos from Sefer Hachinuch. When he taught the prohibition against envy, our eleven-year-old son piped up immediately. “But how can I not?” He asked. “It’s not something I could control. Sometimes I really want what another kid has!” It was so gratifying for me when my husband said to him, “What a great question! That’s exactly what the Chinuch asks: ‘How can the Torah forbid us from feeling what’s only natural?’” 

Our great Chazal already asked this question because they, as pious as they were, acknowledged the existence of all emotions.

The answer the Chinuch provides is that the prohibition is against acting upon the negative emotion, but Hakadosh Baruch Hu—the One who created our psyche—understands that we are human. It is not the emotion per se that we’re responsible for; it’s how we deal with it that matters. And, incredibly, the more we accept that this is how we’re feeling—instead of denying or fighting it—the more we will notice that we’re feeling less and less of it. And the more we express to our children that all of their emotions—all of them—are what make them perfectly human, the more they will be able to tap into their intuitive wise way of letting these emotions pass through.

Just as the Chanukah licht illuminate the dark, when we look into a child’s nefesh with clarity and positivity—with light—we enable him to feel his own light, to appreciate his innate beauty. It is no coincidence that shaleim, wholeness, and shalom, peace, share one root. The more whole we feel, the greater inner peace we experience (and thus the greater peace we promote around us). This Chanukah, the gift we can give our children is our own commitment to doing what we can to keep their exquisitely whole inner self intact. 

A future BCP article will discuss three more ways through which we parents can help maintain our children’s wholeness, with the help of Hashem.

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