It’s more about your smile than your side dish.
This post was written together, as the five of us sat around one table.
It was inspired when one sister-in-law told an older sister-in-law, “I learned so much from being at your table.”
“From me? What did you learn?”
“You’re so calm. It makes me want to be there. I want to be like that.”
Yes, while good food is important, your attitude and feeling towards hosting is really what creates the experience for your guests. So, we sat down, and start discussing all our thoughts on the topic (Baruch Hashem, we all have lots of hosting experience!), and this post is the result:
Never, ever talk about how hard you worked.
Everyone knows that hosting is work (they either do it also, or they feel daunted by it). But make believe you didn’t work so hard. You want everyone to feel like it was your utmost and absolute pleasure, i.e. “It wasn’t such a big deal, I put a bunch of things into the freezer last week.” or, if you don’t want to deny it when someone comments that you must have worked hard, you can say something like “Baruch Hashem, it was fun to prepare and I enjoy it so much.” Then, they will be happy to be there and happy to come again (rather than feeling guilty).
People feel when you want them or not.
They should never feel that they’re a bother (If you say how hard you worked or act overwhelmed, they naturally do feel like a bother.) Give off the calm feeling. Let them see that you’re enjoying yourself too and enjoying their company.
Lots of people around?
Kids making a mess in the family room? Stay calm. The crazier it gets, the calmer your voice has to be–even when those dishes start piling up on the counter (“No big deal, I’ll take care of it soon.). Move around quietly, not frantically. Make sure your voice and body language is now showing that overwhelmedness.
Be as prepared as possible in advance.
Avoid too many dishes that need to be prepared at the last minute. This is important to take into account when planning your menu–build it around things that can be prepped ahead or frozen. (Even if that meant no frying before a Chanukah party!). Yes, we know fried chicken is best when served freshly fried, but if you fried them earlier in the day and they’re room temperature, if you’re more calm, your guests’ overall experience will be better. Being prepared in advance can also mean chopping veggies and making dressings the day before (yes, it is possible to host without chopping a vegetable on the day of!). Being prepared can also mean knowing which platter will be used for what. It can also mean pre-scooping ice cream. There’s lots of ways to make a meal go more smoothly!
Once the party or meal begins, you are the host.
You are not the cleaning crew (that might come later, but not now). If you clean up on the side, silently here and there, that’s ok. But don’t be MIA because you’re cleaning. Sit at the table or spend time with your guests as much as possible.
It doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter if you have 4 or 100 guests. It doesn’t take long to schmooze with them, sit back a bit, and look and feel relaxed. Don’t be at the edge of your seat. The way you speak to them makes a difference. Your body language will give the message, “I’m here.” It shouldn’t be with that shmatteh on your shoulder or while you’re carrying a stack of dishes.
Don’t apologize!
Is a dish a little overdone? Is the house not as perfectly neat as you hoped? Don’t say “I’m sorry.” Did you forget salt in one dish? Don’t say you’re sorry for that either (just have the salt shakers handy! “This will be great with a little more salt.”) And if you forgot to serve something, don’t worry or mention it either.
A fresh tablecloth.
If you’re having guests that you haven’t seen in awhile and you want to spend extended time around the table (perhaps they’re sleep over company and aren’t rushing anywhere), this is a tip that worked well for one of us recently. It’s especially relevant for these long Friday nights during the winter. We served one dessert, then benched, and cleared the table, and put a fresh tablecloth. We then brought out the “tea room,” i.e. chocolates, nuts, candies, and popcorn (these kinds of things don’t get a tablecloth dirty). Everyone sat and schmoozed around the table for hours afterwards. It was more pleasurable for everyone to be sitting at a clean table, no one had to rush off the table, and the host didn’t have to start clearing/cleaning up at midnight.
Have hosting questions? Ask below!
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