The cure to your worries lies in separating what you can control and what you can’t.
Editor’s Note: Back in 2017, Leah Schapira wrote a post on 10 Things to Say to Yourself When You’re Overwhelmed. It proved to be a classic post that we kept referring back to over the past (almost!) decade. One of the tips was telling yourself “It’s not in my control: Don’t worry about things you can’t control. Deal with things you can control, and throw off the burden of worrying about the others.” In this post, Chana Halpern goes deeper into why we worry, separating the efforts we can do, and effectively letting go of everything else.
The Worry Trap
We all worry. It almost feels like our birthright as Jewish women. And there are so many things to worry about, especially as Jewish mamas!
Worry is essentially a healthy and normal response to stress and is designed to protect us from harm, ensuring that we deal with our problems. But worry can also be crippling. Worry can keep us tossing and turning all night. Worry can paralyse us from seeing the situation logically so that, paradoxically, we end up hurting ourselves even more.
- Shira was so worried that her twelve-year-old was hardly talking to her that it took over her every interaction with him. She found herself walking on eggshells, getting defensive, questioning his every move and desperately smothering him with attention. Her worry stopped her from seeing her son in a more reasonable light – which only exacerbated his distance and withdrawal.
- Daphne was so worried about her finances that she could barely think straight. Her money problems hounded her every moment and she kept on replaying the same frightening figures in her head. She was tense, irritable, and unable to focus – which prevented her from stepping back, analysing the situation rationally, and finding resourceful solutions.
Worry keeps us in a closed loop. When we let go of worry, we open ourselves up to see the bigger picture, more possibilities and other options that we simply weren’t able to see before.
What If He’s a Murderer?!
Worry and imagination are best friends, and many of us can conjure up all sorts of nightmare scenarios to worry about. We take the worst possible outcome and use our imagination to fill in the graphic details. Worry feeding on imagination uses ‘What if…’ to build a house of horrors.
What if she ends up staying too late at her friend and it’s already dark? What if she loses her way coming home? What if her phone battery dies? What if a stalker is watching that specific street? Or what if she falls and hits her head? Or –
I’ll leave the story there. You get the gist.
Worrying like this keeps us trapped.
Illusion over Reality
The fact is that we live in an uncertain world. The fact is that we have no control over our lives or the lives of our loved ones. The fact is that nobody can ever guarantee our health, our safety or our success.
These are facts. They are the objective truth.
We don’t like any of these facts and so we go to great lengths to pretend they aren’t true. We try desperately to feel like we’re in control and one way we do that is by worrying. Worrying keeps us in the driver’s seat. It gives us the illusion of control. It makes us feel like we’re doing something (even though all we’re really doing is wrecking our night’s sleep).
Taking Back the Reins
It’s tough to let go of worry, just like it’s hard to let go of control.
When you find yourself overcome by worry, the first thing to do is to ask yourself one question: What part of this is in my control?
There’s almost always something that’s yours to manage – and plenty of things that aren’t. Often, we have an inflated sense of control (feeling that we can make things happen) or a deflated one (feeling there is nothing we can do).
Here’s how to break the cycle:
- Breathe: Take a few deep breaths, visualizing yourself filling up with oxygen and vitality. You can also imagine all the stress and tension dissipating out on the exhale. Focused breathing forces your mind out of the endless loop of worried thinking. Breathe as long as you need to feel your body begin to relax.
- The Reality Check: Differentiate between imagination and reality. Is what you are worried about likely to occur? Is it a reasonable risk to take? If the thought starts with ‘What If’, it’s a good clue that you’ve got lost in your overactive imagination.
- Identify Your Arena: Ask yourself: What part of this is in my control? What can I do about the situation? What is in my hands, and what isn’t?
I can’t make my son have friends. I can bring him to a social skills club, encourage him to invite friends over, show him I love him exactly as he is.
I can’t make Prince Charming appear. I can speak to shadchanim, reach out to a dating coach, do the inner work so I can recognize him when he shows up.
I can’t make someone hire me. I can update my resume, work on my confidence, and improve my skills.
- The Hard Part: The part that’s in your control – you don’t have to worry about. You can just do it. And having a concrete path forward already provides a sense of relief. You have a plan now.
But the part that isn’t, the part you can’t control… means it’s time to let go and let G-d. It’s time to acknowledge that you’re not in control. That you can’t make it happen. And that Hashem will do as He sees fit.
Living the Truth
Worry grips us so tightly because we feel a sense of responsibility to deal with the situation, yet we also feel helpless to affect change. We know deep down that we can’t make it happen, yet we also feel that we should. Separating between what is and what isn’t in our arena of control allows us to stop worrying relentlessly over the same issue again and again. It identifies what we can do and what we can’t. It gives us the clarity to know when it’s okay to step back and allow life to unfold.
It feels vulnerable to let go of the reins. It feels like a leap of faith into the unknown. But the truth is, letting go is just being honest. You’re just aligning yourself with reality. Clinging to worry might give you an illusionary sense of control, but it’s just that – an illusion. Paradoxically, giving up control and living the truth feels so much more grounded and secure than gripping desperately onto fantasy.
So, be brave. Do what is yours to do. For the rest? Choose to trust. Choose to hope. Choose to be open to all the possibilities ahead—not just the negative ones.
So the next time your mind starts mapping out a worst-case scenario, take a breath, do what you can… and hand the rest over.
You’ll be surprised by how liberating it feels!
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