Daughter starting high school? Is she anxious about all the uncertainties? These are the tips our high school daughters wish they knew before the start of high school.
Editor’s Note: In different towns, the dynamics of girls’ high schools may be vastly different than those referenced here, particularly when girls attend a school where the elementary feeds into the high school and girls maintain their same group of friends. Some of these tips may be relevant for your daughter, and some not. They were compiled by our daughters and friends, who attend a range of Bais Yaakov high schools in which their high school experience meant a new building and new group of people.
When we heard one of our daughters comment, “Poor things. They don’t know what to expect,” in reference to this year’s incoming ninth graders, we responded, “So write some tips!” Since every school can be vastly different, we had each of our daughters, who attend a diverse range of high schools, contribute.
One of our daughter’s 8th grade teachers ended off the year with the following message: Chazal say “Kol Hatchalot Kashot.” All beginnings are difficult. They specifically say “All.” Could it be that absolutely all beginnings are difficult? None are easy? Yes. Because if it’s not hard, it’s not the beginning of something significant. In order to build a building, you need to dig a deep foundation or nothing will come of it. There needs to be something hard when starting off on something great.
The horror stories you’ve heard about high school–they may have happened to someone at some point, so everyone says them and everyone warns you. But they’re not the norm. Despite the anxiety your daughter may be feeling right now, the beginning of the year is the best part of the year. All the other girls are starting off in the same boat as you and they’re going to be as nice and friendly as you are.
Some of these tips are more emotional, some are more practical, and some may be relevant for you, and others not. We hope it helps allays some of the fears and uncertainty your own incoming ninth grader may be feeling right now. Here goes!
Social
- Everyone likes the nice girl!
Don’t try to be all cool/macho and better than everyone. It won’t help in the long run. Just be nice to everyone.
- Quality over quantity in friendships.
While everyone does like the nice girl, you don’t need to be best friends with all 80+ girls in your grade. Be polite to everyone, but in the end you only need 2–3 deep, genuine friendships. You don’t need to force it.
- Girls come into 9th grade in survival mode.
They’re focused on themselves and making “their group.” Relax. Think about other people and those friends will come more naturally without the anxiety.
- A lot of girls latch onto girls quickly because they’re desperate to make friends.
Real friendships take longer to cultivate. Be yourself and Hashem will send you the right friends you’re supposed to have at the right time.
- Don’t talk about people.
Don’t get involved. It’s the easiest way to start up the politics.
- Don’t compare your adjustment to others.
If it looks like someone else has it all figured out, you don’t actually know what’s going on.
- The bathroom in some schools is a hangout for not-the-best-crowd.
Stay away.
- In some schools, ‘Older Friends’ is a thing and it’s not usually a healthy thing.
The ninth grade feels insecure and may fall for this. But know that it’s a red flag if an older girl is interested in being friends with you, or if you’re focusing on friendships with older girls. Note: There are exceptions, especially in smaller schools, where girls from all grades are friends with each other. Take note of where it’s the norm and where it’s not.
- Don’t feel pressured to always join.
Don’t feel pressured to join every after school outing your “friend group” does. You don’t have to go to the ice cream store every time. Every third time is enough.
- Don’t try to present as something that you’re not – cooler, more yeshivish, etc.
Be yourself and you’ll find your people.
- Starting high school is a new slate and an opportunity to start a new chapter.
Even if girls know you from previous places, you can start anew.
Academics
- Start off trying!
So many girls start off not caring about schoolwork and then they fall behind. If you put in effort from the beginning, it’s way easier to keep up.
- Your marks might be a little lower than you’re accustomed to start off.
High school is harder. It’s normal. Also, you’re adjusting to how each teacher teaches and gives tests, and it will get easier for you as you get used to it.
- The “18 subject” challenge is real: Managing 18-20 different subjects, each with a different teacher, and a different schedule every day, can be head-spinning.
Start using a planner on Day 1 to track tests, project deadlines, and Chumash/Navi quizzes before they pile up.
- Getting used to the schedule is harder in the beginning.
Often, a girl who is never late could be by her locker getting her books and the bell rings. Don’t panic, you’ll get the hang of it.
- Many girls wonder how they are going to organize notes for so many subjects.
After all, it’s the first time there’s no big long school supply list and one needs to decide what they want to use on their own. Most girls end up simply using looseleafs and dividers. Others prefer slim notebooks (clearly labeled!). Each morning, they take from their locker the ones they’ll need for that day’s subjects, and only bring home the ones they need for studying.
- Have a Derech Eretz mindset.
It may be hard to get to know so many teachers, but don’t start off calling teachers “Mrs. Navi” or by their last name. You need to feel respect to establish a connection with them.
Your Health & Happiness
- Eat and drink.
We can’t tell you the amount of girls that have headaches every day at 9 a.m.! Eating something healthy in the morning helps. Have some items ready that are wholesome, filling, and easy to grab like: Our Favorite Whole Wheat Muffins, make Acai for the week and freeze, or Yogurt and Granola.
- Go to sleep early.
That’s the most likely reason for the headaches mentioned above. Both moms and daughters agree on this one!
- Have an emergency kit.
Spare yourself from any situation and keep a mini deodorant, pads, ponytail, listerine strips, and other items you might end up needing in a pouch in your locker.
- Don’t let things bog you down.
The beginning will for sure be hard, but sometimes things can happen in school that you cannot control and will upset you! That’s ok–but you cannot let these mishaps get you into a rut. Instead of coming home grumpy and staying that way, do things after school that make you happy! It doesn’t have to be so complicated, just talking to a camp friend or going on a refreshing walk can always make you happy, even though you may think that vegging on the couch will make you feel better. A great tip heard from a camp director: Sometimes you will be in a bad mood and even these things won’t help. On those days, shower and go to bed and the next day is fresh and new. But the bottom line is–don’t let things that happen in school affect your happiness at home.
Overall, in all these aspects, don’t compare your high school journey: Some girls adjust immediately; others take a full semester to find their footing. Give yourself grace during the first couple of months!
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