Before you start the shopping, this is really what you need to know to be prepared for sending your daughter to seminary.
To my fellow mothers,
This letter is written especially for the mothers of 12th graders preparing to send your daughters off to the wild west of Seminary Dorms. This letter of warning is not for the faint of heart and preferably should be read while drinking a latte, eating a muffin, and having all children safely back in school!
A personal disclaimer from a mother of 8 daughters is “Never Say Never!”
When my oldest girl headed off to seminary, I smugly told all other mothers, friends, acquaintances, and anyone else that would listen about the 4 things I would never do.
- I would NEVER take my daughter out to eat with her friends when I come visit. What an unnecessary extravagance.
- I would never take her shopping in the American stores in Israel. I mean, didn’t we just spend all year shopping?!
- I would never send gift packages. She should gift me!
- And finally: I would never ever bring her home for Pesach. That was the best month of my life! A month in the Holy Land without any classes or responsibilities! What could be better?
Spoiler alert: I went to visit and took her out with all her friends. How could I not reciprocate after all her friends’ mothers took her out? Once there, I took her shopping at Fame for new clothing (reasons will remain undisclosed). When she cried to me that she was up all week due to the sirens, a gift package she did receive the very next day. And to fully swallow my humble pie— we brought her home for Pesach due to a minor inconvenience of a war!
So dear mothers: Trust your intuitions, and never say never. Mothers know best, even when they don’t.
To maximize a seminary girl’s transitional year, I put together 3 rookie but common maternal errors that we love to make.
Mistake # 1: We Believe Everything They Say
When your daughter calls you crying—claiming she can’t stay there another second, she is literally starving, her roommates are strangers, she has zero friends, and no Shabbos plans!—she’ll insist she made a horrible mistake and must come home immediately for her second cousin’s wedding. Before allowing our maternal sympathies to kick into overdrive (and booking a ticket or calling the seminary principal), take a deep breath and remind yourself of rule #1:
The Fix: “ Don’t Believe Her, Believe IN Her”
You have raised a beautiful independent daughter who is at an awesome part of her self-development journey into young adulthood. She has what it takes and she can do this! She needs you to listen, validate, and then empower. Because you know she can handle this, your rock-solid belief in her abilities, strength, coping skills, and resilience, will be the very thing that ensures she does! Which brings us to popular mistake # 2.
Mistake # 2: We Solve All of Their Problems
We frantically call all of our relatives and friends and make their Shabbos plans, send them the American deodorant they can’t live without, and consult with the whole BMG to write their reports. Instead of jumping into fix-it mode, try a different approach:
The Fix: Transform Them Into Problem Solvers
Use these moments to teach the three steps of problem-solving:
1. Identify the problem.
2. Generate multiple solutions.
3. Project “solution-consequence” pairs (also known as outcomes).
If you use these challenges to train your daughter to follow these steps and make her own choices, you are giving her the gift of a lifetime. To play this out:
Chaya: (calls wailing) “Ma, all of my friends have plans. I cannot stay in the dorm alone and be such a nerd! What should I do?”
Newly Empowered Seminary Mom: “Tsk, oy vey, sigh” and some other sympathetic noises. Then 20 minutes later when the crying subsides. “What are your options?”
Chaya: I guess I can tag along with Esther, even though she probably won’t want me.
Newly Empowered Seminary Mom: “That’s sounds like an idea… any other choices?”
Chaya: “My chessed family always says I can call…maybe I can go with one of my friends from a different seminary.”
Newly Empowered Seminary Mom: “I’m so impressed that even with all this stress, you’re coming up with such great ideas. Is that something you’d actually want to try? What else are you thinking?”
Chaya: “Maybe I can call cousin Chaiky and go with her to her brother, but uch— so not in the mood of her.”
Newly Empowered Seminary Mom: Sounds like you have a few choices with different pros and cons. I am impressed that you are really maturing and coming up with your own ideas! Problem-solving and decision-making are two such important “adult” skills.
(Okay, you can leave those last two lines out as my daughters would say they are too “cringy.”)
Mistake #3: We Treat Seminary Like a Cure-All
The third common mistake is believing that seminary will magically cure our daughters of every deficit or weakness. Truth is, for the price of tuition, it would make sense!
We tell ourselves: “It’s true Chaya could never wake up on time, but I’m sure a dorm schedule will force her to be responsible.” Or, “Ahuva is so sensitive; she sulks for days if she’s insulted. But being so far from home will definitely help her figure it out.” And my favorite: “You can’t even see Chana’s floor under all those clothes—I’m just so happy her roommates will finally force her to clean up after herself!”
The Fix: Spell Out Skills Instead of Waiting for Magic
All skills can be taught. If your daughter struggles with organization, time management, or building deep relationships, take the time now to prepare her. Teach her these skills in a clear, matter-of-fact way and provide extra support where necessary. There are many excellent books and resources for these essential life skills.
Take Leah, for example. Leah is a sweet, bright girl who would never hurt a fly. Throughout high school, she struggled with the fast social pace and often felt misunderstood or relegated to the sidelines. Her mother was proactive. Even though Leah was her class valedictorian and her niece’s favorite aunt, her mother gave her extra support before her seminary year. She set Leah up with a skilled therapist to practice social cues, confidence, and emotional communication. They even kept up the sessions via phone at the start of the year until Leah, Baruch Hashem, successfully integrated.
Resilience is the buzzword of 2026, yet it is often misunderstood. We tend to think resilience means throwing a child into the deep ocean to “sink or swim.” In reality, true resilience requires a rock-solid foundation of connection and trust from family and community, paired with core skills like problem-solving, communication, positivity, and perseverance.
You don’t throw them across the ocean and expect them to swim, but you also can’t jump in and swim the strokes for them. The elusive balance lies in being there for them, supporting them from a distance, believing in them, empowering them, and teaching them the skills they need so they can successfully ride the waves. That feeling of triumph when they successfully emerge on the other side is the true secret to developing real self-confidence.
Thank you for a most informing article. There is so much valuable and practical information that it needs to be read twice. Keep it coming!
This was not a hard read at all!!
This is how I’ve been raising my kids since birth. Teaching them grit & hard work along with love & believing in them.
The hard part to read was how easily you caved on your own convictions!!
Why did you need to splurge on taking her friends out & new clothes? Seminary is a tremendously expensive gift. That alone was enough.
Yes, I sent girls to Sem even in a war (unfortunately Israel is usually under attack until moshiach comes…) so I can understand the worry. Yet I still instilled in them what they are capable of by staying put.
Wow great advice, especially the problem solving steps, those are great!! There is really no one like Mindy!!!
I have been using Mindy’s techniques for years. She is absolutely brilliant. Thank you for these enlightening tips- we moms really need them!! I highly recommend her course on seminary success. Mindyrosenthalcourses.com
This really spoke to me, even though I’m not there yet with a daughter that age. I can totally see how easy it is to get caught up in all the shopping and details and forget the bigger picture.
I have the zechus to live in Eretz Yisroel…hosting seminary girks is really hard;bachurim are so much easier AND they have a chiyuv to learn so i am happy to host them.
The girls have no chiyuv to be here to learn…they come back as newlyweds anyway dressed in long lace assur sheitels…so what did seminary do for them exactly?!!
They also make a lot of noise in the buses and on the streets…not tzanua at all. This is a Holy land, and we have to behave like we are in the King’s palace. I’m not even sure that newlyweds realise that a lot of halachos, connected with sheitels etc. are minhag hamakom and you need to go according to the Rabbanim of EY. NOT of the USA. It is not free for all !
Keep America in America!
I wonder if Mindy has an ahavas yisrael course
Ask your Rav before posting lashon hara please. Boys don’t have a chiyuv to learn in any specific place they can also learn in a basement in Brooklyn. Maybe ask your rav before deciding to tell other ppl what is muttar and assur for them. Kadesh atzmicha not other people.
Absolutely…an ahavas yisroel course would be perfect…
I know someone who lives in Ramat Eshkol who cannot fall sleep on Friday nights, as the seminary girls are speaking so loudly, on her street down below. (If you parents would know, they are actually hanging out looking at/ catching attention of the boys passing by…)
Last Friday night I past there (bein hazmanim), and it was so quiet…I commented to my husband “wait for the chutzniks to get back….’
I’m not generalizing…obviously it’s not EVERYONE…but parents don’t be so naive…it’s not all spiritual here.
Yes, those girls, and even some of the boys, should take an ahavas yisroel course to respect other’s sleep!!
This is such a beautiful article, thank you Mindy!
I know what you mean! As soon as the Seminary girls leave, EY is perfect! Everyone is so tznius, no noise. Just perfect people in tichels. It’s amazing! Oy America
Btw, I was not Chas Vesholom saying that the seminary girls are hard to host because they are not good or nice girls.
I have had the nicest ,most refined and appreciative girls…it just takes a huge amount of mental strength to talk and entertain them.
You can prepare beautiful meals and they end up barely eating…
There are some fabulous girls who come here, but I personally find that I am totally drained after hosting them…that’s all I was saying.
I just wish that our American relatives would stop and ask us how we feel about it, before assuming that we can do it.
Btw, I was not Chas veSholom saying that it is hard to host seminary girls as they are not good or nice.
I have had the NICEST, MOST REFINED and APRECIATIVE girls over…but it does take a lot of physical and mental Koach to host them.
I try my best to make them feel welcome, and after the meal I’m totally drained from trying to make conversation etc.
I have no cleaning help, and I too come into Shabbos exhausted…
Maybe it’s only me, but I would so appreciate if our American relatives would ask us how we feel and not automatically assume we are up to it.
I ask Mechila from ALL seminary giirls if I was mis understood.
As someone who bH has had the zchus of living here for many years it really pains me to see where yerushalyim is holding these days. Every step you take there is another American clothing store or cafe or brand new high rise. All for the Americans and especially the seminary girls. It is really sad what they have made ylm to be. You can really see the difference in the born and bred Israelis how the seminary girls rubbed off on them. If you know you know
Bh there is shefa!!!
Look on the bright side!!
It’s a fulfillment of ish tachas gafno vtachas tienaso. We do not shy away from the physical we use it to uplift. Poverty is not something to strive for. Bh people have comforts of home and the israeli economy is booming.
Poverty may not be something to strive for, but Pashtus is. America has a gashmius nisayon, we all know that. When Americans import their problems to Eretz Yisroel – which by the way has its own things to deal with without adding the American things – they need to be mindful of the people living in Yerushalayim.
Additionally, there are many sensitivities that can be destroyed when American seminary girls introduce a sub-par behavior. For a long time, “walking down the street sipping an ice coffee” was not a thing in Israel. It is a sensitivity that has nothing to do with poverty. Now, the Israelis do it as much as the Americans.
Plus – let’s be real – there are things your Sem girl will wear, or manners of loud behavior you don’t think are appropriate either. But that’s the world she was raised in and there’s still time for her to grow up. Right? That’s what Seminary is for! Except importing thousands of girls to the streets of another country and giving them the impression that the whole Yerushalayim is one big seminary campus imports those behaviors en mass. In a very public way.
Do you blame the Israelis or American Israelis for finding that distasteful? For resenting the culture you are exposing their kids to? (Or even just ask the American yeshiva bachurim – even they dislike the behavior of the sem girls and they grew up in America!)
Very well said!! I really think the high schools should address this
Thank you Mindy for this article. Seminary is the first step for our children in facing the “grown up ” world. These are skills that they will benefit from in all the new stages they will be facing iyh. Thank you!!
As someone living in EY, Im pained by the comments made by the others living here. I’ve hosted many seminary girls and boys over the years and have gained so much from hearing how they are learning and striving to grow. If hosting girls is a burden, you don’t need to wear yourself thin. In every institution and community there are those that don’t adhere. But to say that all girls/boys/newlyweds behave a certain way is grossly unfair. I’ve had so many wonderful meals and encounters with wonderful young adults who are maturing and growing in this holy land.
honestly – the seminary girls look down at the IL girls
they consider them less cool and with it
and to be honest it is pretty insulting, they come hear to learn and grow, and to learn form the simplicity, then why are you treating us as less? i hear seminary girls speak on Israeli girls in such a degrading way…
and reagrding ahavas yisrael – this nothing to do with it we love all yidden and happy to host seminary girls, however this issue really pains me. (and I’m not making this up, i can give you 5 examples right here)
we somtimes feel like wwere treated as the props of their show
As a young married American living in Yerushalayim, I just want to say something on this topic. Israeli girls/ young women definitely look up to Americans in terms of fashion, style, etc. Anyone coming to EY should just be mindful that they are being looked up to as ‘role models’ in a very real way! (small story to prove this point- I was sitting next to a woman on the bus, and she randomly started talking to me. Through our conversation, I learned that she’s an American who moved to EY many years ago and has been a mechanaches for years and years. She said (I’m paraphrasing) “if the Americans knew how much the Israeli girls look up to them, they would be much more careful.” She gave the example of American women wearing very curly/ frizzy/ fluffy sheitels, and a couple years later, so many Israeli women are wearing that natural style of sheitels.
Eretz Yisroel belongs to all Jews, no matter where you’re from. However, we should all be mindful that we are being looked up to, and that comes with a big responsibility!