What does it feel like when you don’t have a baby to bring home?
Note from BCP: While reading about these experiences brings tears to your eyes, we felt it was important to post so that women who have similar experiences can feel like they’re not alone. You can read more on the topic in this post. Feel free to comment below to share your own experiences and chizzuk.
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On Thursday night I gave birth to my son, my first son. He was beautiful, totally gorgeous, with the most perfect of features. He had a small round head, darling eyes, the tiniest of fingers and a small puckered chin. They handed him to me, I held him close, I felt his small face, stroked his silky cheeks, I kissed him as tears rolled down my face.
This was what I’d been dreaming of, the moment my first son would be born. I’d envisioned exactly how I’d tell my family, my friends and my co-workers. I’d imagined my mother hurrying into the hospital with blue balloons, a new blue blanket and loads of good food. I imagined calling my sisters and describing my darling baby to them. I imagined going home from the hospital feeling like a queen, with an adorable prince in my arms.
Instead, I held my tiny, tiny baby and I cried.
There were no exuberant congratulations from the staff, instead there was soft murmurings as they gathered around my baby. They cleaned him up and put him in a small basket and handed him to me. I loved him as soon as I saw him. He was so beautiful. And the tears kept rolling down my face. They took his footprints, and his handprints, on paper and in clay. So that I could keep some memory of him. My eldest son would not be coming home with me, the Chevra Kadisha were going to come and pick him up the next morning. I hugged and kissed his small lifeless body – what else could I do for him?
The next morning, I left the hospital through the back fire exit doors. An alarm went off when the nurse opened it for us. They didn’t want me to have to walk through the ward and see other women with their precious bundles – because mine was waiting in the mortuary for the Chevra Kadisha. I walked out the hospital with my husband holding the suitcase and instead of wheeling my Doona with a little blue bundle inside, my arms were empty.
We got home Friday afternoon and the house was so empty and so quiet. There was no Shalom Zachar to prepare for, no mohel to call, no need to discuss who would be receiving the various kibbudim at the bris – because there was no baby anymore. No one knocked on the door bearing balloons or blue pick-and-mixes or teddies or outfits. Instead kind organizations dropped off so many things, meals were organized, babysitters arranged. I just sat on the couch in a daze whilst the community rallied around us in such extra ordinary ways.
But my baby was real, he had happened. I had birthed him. But no one would ever know. I had no need to order the cot anymore, nor the adorable outfits that were patiently waiting in my shopping carts. The hats I ordered for him are going to arrive soon, and there is no one to wear them. The spare room in my house – will remain spare. All the maternity outfits I bought – I buried them deep in the back of the cupboard. I don’t sleep at night, not because my baby is keeping me up with his cries, but because my baby is keeping me up with the image of his beautiful face in front of my eyes.
I love you dear baby, and I know that only time can heal the deep void inside of me. And so, I look at the pictures of you, my perfect, eldest son and the tears drip down unbidden. I’m keeping everything that I have of you, the prints that they took of you in the hospital, your ultrasound scans, your little hospital bracelets and yes, the hats that will arrive soon, I’ll keep them as well. It’s up to us, your mommy and daddy to keep the memories of you alive.
I love you, my baby. You’re mine. Even if no one else will ever know you.
Hey this post was on imamother, did this woman give permission for it to be publicized?
Hi Leah, the woman reached out to us to share her story in the hopes of helping other women who may be going through something similar.
This is exactly what happened to me 1 week ago. Our first baby, also a boy. I feel your pain, it's so hard. Remember that his pure soul went up untainted and is advocating for you in shamayim. May you merit happy days and be comforted from Above
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this painful post. May you have much gezunt, bracha and mazel.
Beautiful written
You’re so strong
Hashem will always be with you
Sending hugs and strength!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spoil yourself you deserve to
Wow
Movef to tears
You’re soooo strong
Hashem will always be with you,talking from experience
Sending hugs and strength
Spoil yourself ,beautiful written
Wow this is so beautifully written and moved me to tears. I’m so sorry for your loss and your pain. May you have Nechama.
So, so, sorry for your loss. There are no words. May Hashem comfort you.
This is exactly what happened to me 1 week ago. Our first baby, also a boy. I feel your pain, it's so hard. Remember that his pure soul went up untainted and is advocating for you in shamayim. May you merit happy days and be comforted from Above
Stillborn: But Still Born
My baby I am sorry
I never held you tight
Though Daddy and I love you
with all our precious might
My angel, why’d you leave us
I’m sorry you’re alone
Just feel my love with all my tears
In every time I moan
I know you’re in a good place
But just know we miss you so
The place you were once in my heart
That hole has only grown
When I gaze up towards heaven
Please wave down to me
When I give a kiss goodnight
I give it longingly
How I wished to hold you
To shield you from all pain
But indeed you knew no fear
No hardship, tears or shame
All you’ve known was only love
Each day I carried you
I close my eyes, remember you,
Please let that pull you through
I left the place with empty arms
My heart a void within
Grateful, tearful- you my love
The angel we were given
Angel baby, pray for us
You’re always in our hearts
Though you’re up there and were down here
It won’t pull us apart.
That is so beautiful, I am crying. You expressed yourself so well
Thank You for this post. I’m so glad to see more and more people talking about our babies who are Angels. My son should’ve been celebrating his birthday this week. Instead he’s buried somewhere I don’t know with a name I don’t know. (I only found out many months later that boys are given a bris and name before burial). I have a lot to say on this subject as I think it shouldn’t be taboo. But I’ll say this take all the time to grieve and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I had someone tell me to get over it and move on in life because I occasionally speak about him. I have definitely moved on but there is no getting over him. He is mine I birthed him and I’ll never forget him. Sending lots of love.
Wow Im crying. No words, Cant even imagjne the greif, may Hashem give you much stremgth to get up in the morning and smile while you are in so much pain
Am, having gone through this recently, I have to say thank you for putting my feelings n thoughts into such a well written poem. May hashem give you koach to go on!
beautiful! i lost twin boys some time ago…. so much chizuk! thanks!
Ffg
Wow, so inspiring…you give us strength!! (edited)
I’m sorry Rikki but that p.s is uncalled for. It actually pained me more. Yes I had my own story. Yes I did order stuff before hand. No need to remind ppl about others ppl minhagim.
Instead you can pray for all of us to be united with our dear children!
Having walked someone through this experience- I know the pain is throbbing and raw and real. Just remember you have your own precious meilitz yosher in heaven and may Hashem send you another baby soon. Though it doesn’t replace the lost baby , most people who went through this feel healed when they have a baby to hold and hug and nurture again. May Hashem heal your broken heart!
Chani,
Thank you for sharing your story. I can’t even imagine how difficult it must have been to make yourself so vulnerable. Everyday at ATIME/HUG, we hear stories from women just like yourself who have experience the loss of a baby they dreamed of raising. I hope that everyone who reads your story feels a little less alone.
Hugs! So sorry fa your loss! So painful!! So eloquently written!
I’ve had three late miscarriages/a stillborn. Today I was watching my six year old and three year old walking together, I was imagining the two babies between them who lie somewhere in the cemetery. Life moves on and IyH more children are born, but they will always be our neshamos we carried.
Someone gave me the advice to type my thoughts and feelings as I was going through it and it really really helped!
Reading this reminds me of when I went home from the hospital after watching my 2 yo pass away. going home in the taxi empty-handed without our son. .