Two friends whose husbands travel fairly often for work discuss what works – and how to make the best of it.
Let’s start off by saying that when your husband is traveling, you are NOT single parenting. Even jokingly saying you’re single parenting for the week is insulting and insensitive to those who truly are single parents. B”H our husbands are still active parents to our children even when they are traveling. It may not look like bathtime, homework help or grocery shopping, but he is still a partner in your parenting experience.
The two of us recently had a conversation about our experiences with our husbands traveling for work. After quite a few years of this arrangement, we’ve learned some things along the way. We discussed how we felt about it when it was new and how we adjusted. And we realized that while everyone does things a little bit differently, there is some general advice we can share.
Sarah: I remember the first time my husband was away for more than a single night – it was two full weeks. It was actually not for work and there wasn’t really a choice in the matter. It was something he had to do and I had to deal with. It was just me and my not-quite-one-year-old. During the week, I was fine. I kept busy with routine, had my younger sister over for company and just counted down the days. But Shabbos was hard. I went to my brother for Shabbos and surprised myself when I just started crying when lighting candles. After that, whenever my husband was away for Shabbos, I either stayed home or went to my parents. That kind of still feels like home, too.
Chani: When my husband started traveling for work, I hated it. I cried, I complained – I couldn’t sleep when he wasn’t home. I was scared to be alone with the kids. Basically, I was miserable. I made everyone around me miserable, too.
After a while I realized that this was my new life. I was happy my husband had work and that he had these opportunities. I can’t choose how Hashem is sending parnassah. Whether someone is traveling for business, a simcha, to be with a family member – or even for fun or some inspirational recharging – you just have to make it work for you. You can’t be a kvetch forever.
There are a few things that helped me cope and shift my mindset:
When my children were very little, I was worried how I would manage in case of an emergency during the night. Once my children were older (even 11 or 12 years old) I knew I had an extra pair of hands. If this is a fear for you, set up a system that keeps you calmer and feeling safer.
- Have a contact person who is available in case you call for an emergency. (I set one up and B”H never had to use it, but it was reassuring to know that I could.)
- I had the kids all sleep in my room or in an adjacent room. I didn’t want to have to run around collecting them. Once they got older that fear wasn’t the same. (How does one collect 4 kids under the age of 5-6?)
- Set numbers in your phone as favorites so you can access those numbers quickly in case of emergency (911, Hatzalah, Chaveirim, a sibling…)
- I installed an alarm system for my home.
- My husband always texts me his flight number, so I can easily check online where the flight is up to or if there is a delay.
Sarah: While I definitely did the double checking of every window and door before going to sleep, I didn’t ever have my kids sleep in my room. I needed the feeling of having some space from the constant parenting. Even if I wasn’t actually doing more things in a day than when my husband is home, there’s a feeling of always being “on” that’s different. Being able to close my door and be alone is important for me to collect myself at the end of the day.
I try to put a positive spin on some of the things that specifically feel hard. And Chanie says it’s more of taking the opportunity to create something positive in the situation.
Some examples might be:
Love to read? Make sure to have a good new book and spend those lonely evening hours reading until you fall asleep.
Long evening with nobody to talk to? Call a friend and catch up with a good long shmooze.
Do you normally make a kids’ dinner and an adult dinner? You can skip the adult one and have some mac ‘n cheese with the kids. You know you want to! And make one night a takeout night, too. The kids will be excited and you’ll have a clean kitchen. Everyone is winning!
And some more general tips we think can help:
Be prepared. Think about the little things your husband might do – like picking up milk in the morning on the way home from shul. Make sure you don’t go to sleep without knowing that the morning routine is covered. A missed school bus can throw the whole family off schedule when there’s only one adult in the house, so set your alarm a bit early, too.
Embrace delivery services. Grocery, Target via Shipt, Costco via Instacart, pharmacy… know who delivers and what their schedule is like.
If the kids get sad, have them do a special “project” for when their father comes home. A video, a show, some gardening. Ideally something that will stretch over the days he’s gone.
Most importantly, If your husband is traveling for parnassah, remind yourself daily that B”H it’s for a good reason and how lucky you are to have your spouse!
Also, appreciate your single mom friends. Call them and tell them how amazing they are, and be there for them!
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