Having Chashivus HaTorah: What is Our Role?

What does “Encouraging a Husband” really mean? What is our responsibility when we’re told to encourage our husbands to learn? What kind of encouragement actually works?

Interview with Rebbetzin Shula Sternbuch, originally appeared in NShei HaSiyum, published by Agudah Yisrael on the occasion of the 13th Siyum HaShas at Metlife Stadium on January 1, 2020.

Note from BCP: Today, on the day of the levaya of Rav Chaim Kanievsky zt”l, we didn’t feel like it was appropriate to forge ahead with our regularly scheduled Pesach content. Rather, we felt it was appropriate to share a message on our own role in regards to chashivus HaTorah. Two years ago, when we were working on NShei HaSiyum, Renee recommended that Victoria interview Rebbetzin Shula Sternbuch on this very topic – and this is the result. With permission from Agudah and Rebbetzin Sternbuch, we are sharing it here with you as there is so much we can take away.

“Do you want to learn the way a woman is supposed to encourage her husband to learn? You have to speak to Rebbetzin Sternbuch. She was my teacher in Lucerne Seminary. She comes from the Telsher dynasty; her grandfather was the Telsher Rosh Yeshiva in Lithuania, Rav Avraham Yitzchak Bloch, and her uncles reestablished Telshe in the United States and were roshei yeshiva and gedolei hador. Her husband was the maggid shiur in Rav Yitzchol Dov Koppelman’s yeshiva in Lucerne, while she taught in the seminary for 20 years. She’s the one who taught us just how a wife should encourage her husband’s learning, and she was the strongest influence in the lives of hundreds of her students.”
– student of Rebbetzin Shula Sternbuch

N’Shei HaSiyum: What approach should a woman take in encouraging her husband to learn?
Rebbetzin Sternbuch: In order for a woman to encourage her husband to learn, she has to have a foundation in ahavas haTorah. She has to be ready to go anywhere for her husband’s learning. I wouldn’t say be mevater, but rather, let him learn and don’t take his time. Don’t use him for all kinds of things, like avodas habayis or even going out to a restaurant. Be ready to go alone and do it with simchah. A girl completing seminary has the natural desire to marry someone who is a ben Torah, but even if he is a ben Torah, he still needs chizuk.

N’Shei HaSiyum: But what actual chizuk should she offer? What should a woman say to encourage?
Rebbetzin Sternbuch: Don’t nudge him. If you nudge him, he’ll do the opposite. That’s human nature. If you tell someone to go on a diet, the first thing they’re going to do is eat. When you tell a husband to learn, he will sit for another 10 minutes with the newspaper. A man has a natural chashivus haTorah inside. If a woman pushes or nudges, he can lose it.

N’Shei HaSiyum: So then what are we actually supposed to do?
Rebbetzin Sternbuch: Give him respect. Praise him in front of the children and family. Don’t go before him in the street or in the house. Ask him questions that show you respect his knowledge. If a man feels respected for his learning and as the head of the family, he will naturally want to please his wife and the people around him.

N’Shei HaSiyum: And if he’s not learning?
Rebbetzin Sternbuch: When I first began teaching and I would speak on this topic, my advice would be directed to the wives and future wives of the men who sit and learn. But then I made a change. I realized there are all kinds of girls and all kinds of husbands. It doesn’t matter who your husband is – whether he’s a shoemaker, a lawyer, a ben Torah, or a rosh yeshiva. Each one, whoever he is, is someone you had the mazal and zechus to marry. Look at him like he’s your rosh yeshiva, he’s your talmid chacham. Don’t put him down; praise him according to his power and according to his abilities. This is the right message for most people. Respect him like he is a ben Torah, and he’ll be encouraged.

I keep in contact with many girls; the ones that married men who don’t learn often find that because they respected their husbands, many are now even keeping up with Daf Yomi. It’s unbelievable to see the koach of a woman – just through looking at their husbands like they are special, they can cause wonderful changes.

N’Shei HaSiyum: This is so deeply ingrained in you. Did you learn it from your own upbringing?
Rebbetzin Sternbuch: My mother was the daughter of Rav Avraham Yitzchak Bloch, the Rosh Yeshiva of Telshe Yeshiva in Lithuania. My mother and two of her older sisters survived the Holocaust; one sister married Rav Boruch Sorotzkin and the other Rav Aizik Ausband, both of whom reestablished Telshe Yeshiva in America and were roshei yeshiva. My mother was the only one to marry a businessman after the war, and he was the king of our home. She looked up to him and made him into a big tzaddik. She could have looked down at him; she could have felt, “I didn’t have the mazal to marry a rosh yeshiva like my sisters.” But she respected him as if he was a rosh yeshiva. She respected his learning, his kochos.

Men live the way we appreciate them; I had such a special father, and he was also a big talmid chacham. If a wife looks down at her husband, he will feel down. If she respects him, he’ll go very far, no matter who he is. It’s all the same. The way we look at them and respect them has everything to do with how far our husbands will go.

N’Shei HaSiyum: What are some ways we can put this into action?
Rebbetzin Sternbuch: To the kids, you can say, “Abba is coming…Abba is first.” Ask him a shailah: “Can you look this up in a sefer? You know better than me.” But this does not only apply to his learning. Look for any aspect in life to praise. Look for the mitzvos he does. If he’s a baal tzedakah, praise him when he gives tzedakah. A businessman can also be a special person. Usually people look for the negative. If we look for the good things and enable him to feel good about himself, he’ll find the emes. He’ll go after that Daf Yomi or find the chavrusa on his own.

There are a lot of working men who wake up early and learn from 5 a.m. to 7 a.m. They get that motivation from the kavod and respect their wives show them.

“Hakol ba min ha’ishah” – everything comes from the woman. We have the koach to destroy. We have the koach to build.

N’Shei HaSiyum: Sometimes it’s hard to find the opportunities and to know what to say.
Rebbetzin Sternbuch: It’s what you feel inside and think more than what you say. Rebbetzin Neustadt used to say that the strongest communication is the thinking. If you think good about him, he gets a message and uses it for good. Even if a girl marries a big lamdan, but she doesn’t internally appreciate his learning, she can pull him in other directions.

N’Shei HaSiyum: I’m sure you have many stories… you have so many students.
Rebbetzin Sternbuch: There was one girl who married a modern boy, and she called me a few times in the beginning of their marriage. She was stressed because he loved to listen to goyishe music and he didn’t learn, and she didn’t respect him because of those things. What did I do? I showed her b’emes that he had so many ma’alos. I told her, “If you focus on his ma’alos and where he came from compared to what he does now, he will develop. He came from a modern home, and he has come so far from the way he grew up.” She changed her ways and began to respect him, and they’ve brought up such a beautiful family. Now he is sitting and learning every day. They have such special children, and they are makpid on halachah. Many people can learn from them. Instead of putting him down, she looked up to what he was. This is just one example. A shidduch is a bashert. But it’s up to you what you do with it.

N’Shei HaSiyum: I’m sure there are girls whose husbands are learning who need chizuk too.
Rebbetzin Sternbuch: No question, there are girls who struggle in this situation. They can’t go everywhere with their husbands, they can’t go shopping, they can’t go to a restaurant. They feel guilty taking his time. But they know very well that they have something that not everyone has. I tell the girls, “A ben Torah has two things. The Torah and his wife. Other men can have many other things and diversions in their lives, and you wouldn’t have such a place like you do when you are married to a real ben Torah.”

It’s important to note – not everyone who is learning is a ben Torah, and not everyone who is working is not a ben Torah. There are people who work who are ehrliche and the Daf Yomi is kodesh kadoshim to them. You can work and be with Hashem in many ways. It’s what you do with what Hashem gave you that matters.

I lived in Switzerland, and we had many balebatim who were unbelievable. Even when they worked, they learned every minute they could . They were real bnei Torah. It’s not a chisaron to work, as long as you know what’s most important and use it l’shem Shamayim. That’s the inyan of Daf Yomi.

N’Shei HaSiyum: Where did you obtain your own desire to do anything for Torah, which led to following your husband from Eretz Yisrael to Lucerne, Switzerland, where you knew no one?
Rebbetzin Sternbuch: I grew up in Tel Aviv and then went to Yavne Seminary in Cleveland.  There, I lived with my mother’s sisters – first with the Sorotzkins and then with the Ausbands. I mamesh saw the Torah there and was glued to it. I knew I’d be ready to live anywhere and go anywhere for Torah. And how I cried as a single girl… if I could cry today like I cried as a girl just to be zoche! During those two years in seminary, I didn’t stop watching and learning and crying for it. There were a lot of tears. I have it in my blood from Telshe.

After I got married, we lived in Eretz Yisrael for 11 years, and then my husband, Rav Naftali Shemuel Sternbuch, was asked to be a maggid shiur in Switzerland at Rabbi Koppelman’s yeshiva. It was an isolated place, but I didn’t think, “Should I? Shouldn’t I?” I took five kids and went, and we were there in the desert for 35 years. Sometimes you have to go to chutz l’aretz. You might not have money, you might not be around people who are like you, but that was what was good for my husband, so I went. Rav Koppelman was one of the greatest roshei yeshiva in the world, one of the she’aris hapeleitah. He was a talmid of Rav Shimon Shkop and ran the yeshiva in Lucerne for 50 years, and he learned b’chavrusa with my husband. Thousands of talmidim from all over the world came there, where they could focus on their learning without distraction from the outside world. Rav Koppelman was niftar at age 106, and he was still giving shiur until age 102. He was mamesh kulo Torah. There was nothing in his life besides for Torah. I don’t think he ever went to the city or to a shop or on a bus. We lived in the same building as him. It was all very isolated but beautiful. I thank Hashem, even though it was hard sometimes. We gained so much, and we grew a lot from teaching and learning with no distractions.

N’Shei HaSiyum: What does your husband credit for his inspiration?
Rebbetzin Sternbuch: My husband grew up in Switzerland, and although so many there are learning full-time now, 50 years ago, the way was Torah im derech eretz. But there were two men that made an impression on him. When he was a young boy of 14 or 15, whenever he would come to shul, he would see two balebatim, Mr. Rubinfeld and Mr. Kuflik, learning. The way they were always learning, even though they were businessmen, made such an impression on him that he decided he would fight to learn all his life. Their impression influences him until this day. When we came back to Switzerland, I had many of the Rubinfeld and Kuflik einiklach in my classes, and I would always tell this story to give them kavod and chizuk. If your husband is working but still learning, you don’t know how he could be inspiring others; if he’s learning Daf Yomi, he can be mechazek people.

N’Shei HaSiyum: How have you been able to have such a lasting, impactful influence on your students? They credit you with giving them the lifelong tools to be able to support their husbands’ learning, both when it’s easy and when it’s not so easy.
Rebbetzin Sternbuch: It’s more than what I say – it’s the emotion. Sometimes, you can give a speech, but it’s just a speech. It helps to live what you say. People feel the emes. Children also feel when a mother means what she says and when she doesn’t. I had a big ahavah for the girls, and if you love your students, they are mekabel from you.

Also, I’m a very normal person. I get dressed, and I look normal. Sometimes you have a teacher that says, “Torah, Torah, Torah,” but the girls can’t connect to her. Girls should know that they can be married to a ben Torah and look good, have a nice and clean home, and dress well. A lot of girls connect Torah to difficulties, and the fact that I look normal made an impression on them. A girl can look and feel like a queen and be married to a king. That’s called having it all.

Rebbetzin Shula Sternbuch is currently a teacher at Rinas Bais Yaakov Seminary in Yerushalayim. She is a lifelong mechaneches who is always busy with ruchniyus.

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