Do you have picky eaters? Kids that won’t touch veggies? Or perhaps, more simply, non-eaters? Sit back and don’t worry. This is how to deal with it.
Myth #1: Mealtime is just going to be stressful and frustrating no matter what I do.
Every night, dinner with your kids leaves you exhausted from the sheer effort of getting your kids to eat (or trying to). You read them books, do somersaults, bang your head against the wall. Not to mention putting up with comments about your lovingly made supper like “Yuck” and “That’s disgusting. I’m not eating that”. What’s a frazzled, food-fatigued mother to do?
Keep Calm and Carry On
The secret to a calm and peaceful dinner is to do nothing. Simply put dinner on the table and enjoy your own food. As a parent, your role is to provide your kids with a healthy, balanced meal; your kids are in charge of deciding how much to eat–and if they eat at all.
When your kids own their own eating, dinner happens in a relaxing and safe environment. Your kids are much more likely to eat what you serve and (gasp) try new foods when they feel zero pressure from you.
A word of caution: if your kids are used to being pressured, they’re going to be suspicious of your new approach. It’ll take time until they’re trusting enough to eat on their own. The important thing is not to stress, and if you can’t help it, fake it ‘til you make it!
Myth #2: I have to make each kid what he likes or no one will eat–even if it means making 3 different suppers.
Macaroni and cheese for this one. Pizza and fries for that one. A hot dog for the third (he’ll sit at the fleishig dining room table). Eggplant parmesan, soup and salad for the adults. Okay, that was four. But who’s counting? As long as everyone gets something they’ll eat. If this sounds like you, you’re probably getting tired of being a short-order cook.
Who Knows One?
I know one! One dinner is what mommy makes. Our kids live up to our expectations. If you expect them to eat only fish sticks, why should they touch your homemade burgers? When you make dinner, make only one balanced meal. Absolutely take your kids’ preferences and eating abilities into account when you plan the meal, but no need to stick to the same three foods. Let your kids choose what they want from the dinner you prepared and eat as much (or as little) as they want. Eat together as a family, with you modeling healthy eating habits. Your kids will surprise you.
Tip: Don’t get discouraged if they don’t try anything the first few times. They’ll get there, minus the pressure.
Myth #3: I need to bribe my kids to get them to eat anything that grows.
When it comes to food, your kids favor the color white. Variety to them means white bread, white potatoes, white bagels, white pizza crust and white pasta. Their favorite fruits are fruit by the foot and fruit loops. The only way you can get in some real fruits and veggies is with good ol’ bribery. So you make deals; every slice of red pepper earns one red jolly rancher. Your darlings have become quite the negotiators. You know it’s not the optimal way, but hey, you’ll take what you can get.
Exposure is Essential
It’s obvious to you that you need to offer your kids fruits and veggies to get them to eat them. What’s not so obvious is you need to keep offering them. Kids may need 15+ exposures to a food before they like it. You may be ready to throw in the towel, but it’s normal for a kid to take that long to get comfortable with something.
Make eating fruits and veggies easy and accessible, but leave the choice of whether or not to eat up to your child. Offer a variety by choosing different colored options and put them out on the table for snacking or with your meals.
Don’t resort to persuasion tactics. Ditch all preconceived notions that your kids don’t like this stuff. And don’t worry about what will happen if they don’t get their “five a day”. Your kids won’t turn into spinach-eating Popeyes overnight but change will happen, slowly but surely.
Myth #4: My kids just don’t eat enough. I’m constantly offering them food and they Just. Don’t. Eat.
Your five-year old is tiny. She’s not even on the charts and she’s still wearing size 2T. You must get her to gain weight or the pediatrician will think you’re not feeding her. But you are. You give her snack, breakfast, snack, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack, snack, snack. She just eats one bite of this and two bites of that, nothing substantial.
Good Things Come in Small Packages
That’s what my mother always told me and of course it’s true. If your child is small, chances are that’s the way Hashem made her and that’s the way she’s going to be. It doesn’t matter where your child is on the chart as long as she’s following her growth curve.
If she’s always been in the 95th percentile and drops to the 5th, I’d be concerned. But a child who is consistently in the 5th percentile is completely normal. Growth charts are not a race to the top; they’re simply a way of checking that your child is continuing to grow at a regular pace.
Here’s the truth (and it’s backed up by scientific research) that will banish your fears forever: kids naturally know how much to eat! If not coaxed to eat more or less, your children will intuitively know what their bodies need and will eat the right amount of the right foods. As long as you are offering that variety of healthy options, you can turn worried-mommy-mode off (or at least find something else to worry about)!
How could she possibly be getting enough if she eats like a baby bird? Well, all those bites do add up. We tend to think that broken pieces of chocolate chip cookies have no calories, but (surprise) they do. Researchers have actually added up all those tiny bites and proven that children can and do meet their nutritional needs that way. It’s simply the way kids eat, not a cause for concern.
FOR EXCLUSIVE CONTENT AND A PEEK BEHIND THE SCENES, MAKE SURE TO JOIN OUR WHATSAPP STATUS HERE. JOIN OUR WHATSAPP GROUP AND WE’LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN A NEW POST IS UP!
What do you do if they eat a bite of supper and then go to get crackers/cookies/pretzels from the pantry and eat that for the rest of the evening? When I tell them they can’t have snack it adds to the pressure…
Hi Esti,
Great question! The approach I describe above is known as sDOR (Satter’s division of responsibility in eating). In sDOR, parents are responsible for the “what, where and when” of eating. The child is responsible for the “how much” and “if”. As the parent, you decide when and what your children eat, but they do need to know what to expect. Serve meals and snacks at consistent times AND also be consistent about what times are not mealtime. Don’t use it as a threat to get them to eat supper; it’s just a matter-of-fact “rule” of the house. It’s definitely easier to implement with younger children, but keep in mind that there’s nothing more restrictive about doing this than any other household routine like bedtime, etc.
“This is easier to implement with younger kids” – of course! My kids weren’t all that old when they started serving themselves snacks from the pantry, and then things were completely out of my control. Reese’s Puffs with milk on Friday night because the 13 year old only ate challah? 4 mugs of hot chocolate a day because the 8 year old can use the microwave to fix it for herself? It never ends and no one eats any of the food I actually make because I can’t control the when and where at all!
Hi.
This article is great, thanks. Would love to hear more advice regarding dinner substitutions for picky eaters as well as what to do when my child is suddenly hungry at bedtime…
O great article! One more item I would add:
Model! When parents eat healthy meals kids are much more likely to want what mommy is eating.
Yes! One hundred percent!
I’m wondering about the part that says kids know how much to eat? I’ve heard that in the context of knowing when they’re full – an adult might eat another helping even if she’s full because she just wants it, but a child knows when her stomach is full etc… but what about a child who doesn’t realize when she’s hungry until she’s starving? She’ll play and have fun and suddenly be screaming and upset because she refused to take a snack (or lunch…) break. Any tips?
Hi!
Great point! This is totally typical of kids. The way to pre-empt this is to have predetermined snack times and meal times. For example, a snack when they get home from school and dinner an hour or two later. Being consistent about this helps your kids know what to expect and pace themselves accordingly. Also, let your kids know that everyone has to join the family table at snack/meal time, but they don’t need to eat if they don’t want to. Kids are usually just too busy to stop playing even when they’re hungry, so having everyone come to the table helps this a lot.
Great article! I find that my kids who don’t eat well at dinner say they’re starving an hour or two later and look around for cookies, pretzels etc. I don’t see how they know how much they need to eat if they’re just looking for other food a bit later. They love my food and will tell me often ‘ma this is delicious!’ but they don’t finish half their plates. I think food being served is not as exciting to them as something coming out of a package.
Hi!
That’s great that your kids love your food! See my comment above to Esti. When they know that this is the time for eating and not later, they will eat accordingly. I’ll add that there is nothing wrong with limiting packaged items to specific times (e.g. to take to school, on trips, etc)
What about when it’s time for them to go to bed and they are suddenly “starving” never sure if it’s true or not because they only pecked at dinner!
I was wondering the same
Hi Shaindy!
This is so common. Kids really know what excuses their mothers will fall for:)
The good thing is–you don’t actually need to be sure if it’s true or not. Even if it is true, once they see that you are serious that suppertime is suppertime and bedtime is bedtime, they’ll naturally eat what they need to. If this goes against your yiddishe-mama grain, keep in mind that you are not starving your kids by doing this. Both kids and adults are able to go quite a few hours without eating–especially if they’re asleep. If there is a nice amount of time between supper time and bedtime, you can make it a routine to offer a small snack before bed.
Right at bedtime my kids know they can have from select options, like a rice cake, or often cut up apples. But I have one kid that the apple slice is the first nutritious food all day. It’s so frustrating.
Same. Few healthy bites at dinner. Then my 2 kids (10, 8) were saying they were starving at bedtime. I took a nutritionist’s advice and now I serve a fruit or snack later on – like an hour after dinner. Just ONE item that I put out and call it “snack time.” So, if they barely ate at dinner – now they can have the carrots, apples, or healthy mini muffins… and it’s a chance to see if they’re really hungry. Dinner is still out and they can make themselves a small plate again… think about yourself, after dinner, an hour later – you may want a snack too… think how you would feel…
The littles ones, 5 and under are too exhausted from school – they take a few bites and just manage to shower and get into bed before falling asleep. I don’t see how I can get them to eat a meal when they’re zonked!
Hi Sarah!
My kids are the same way. They eat dinner pretty much as soon as they get home and then go to bed. There’s no rule that supper needs to be the biggest meal of the day. They’re eating what they need to throughout the day, so small appetites at dinner is totally normal and okay.
Wow this is so validating! I try to be super clear about what is available when – if you are hungry after supper, the options will only be pretzels and apples.
My kids will will also drink almond milk, which is pretty filling especially when I warm it up and add hot chocolate mix or honey.
If the “I’m so hungry” does not come along with escalated behavior, then I don’t get too worried that they’re ACTUALLY hungry 🙂 actions speak louder than words!
What do I do with a kid that’s almost 14 and the only hot food he eats is pasta with ketchup?!! At what point do I need an expert to help with this? His doctor says it’s fine but he’s going to mesivta next year and he’s nervous about looking weird because he’s not eating what the other boys are eating. But yet, he’s so grossed out about eating foods like chicken, cholent, pizza, even bread. Does a nutritionist help with this or a psychologist? Or I should just do nothing and hope that he’ll grow out of it?
I’m with you on this. My son is 12 refuses to touch chicken, he’ll eat a bite of fish (maybe…) I always thought he’d outgrow it but it doesn’t seem to be happening.
Great article, thank you! My kids refuse to eat the meals I prepare and ask for macaroni, grilled cheese, etc. instead-you described my family perfectly in your article :). What do I do if they absolutely refuse to eat my meals at this point and only want the macaroni every night, etc.?
So, I’m that mother serving 3 suppers cuz 11y.o. likes macaroni with cheese and ketchup while 8 y.o. is grossed out by macaroni pasta and rice so he gets eggs and then the younger ones don’t want ketchup in their macaroni so I hopefully remembered to pull some out before the ketchup went in. Then I really want something healthier for me and my husband so I make something else sometimes.
It’s crazy. But I’ve tried being strict about one supper and most of them don’t eat and act nuts and fight and yell and cry all night that they’re starving. It just sets off the next day nutty but we go through it again and again. I finally gave up and just started making sure everyone has something they’ll eat and at least they’re fed and acting (somewhat) less cookoo.
Yes. I have a similar experience. This article wasn’t meant for kids who are truly picky. Kids who are truly picky would rather starve for a few days than to eat something that they’re afraid of. If you try any shtick with their food (such as adding an almost tasteless ingredient), they will realize and then they will be afraid to touch that dish for the next few months, thereby limiting their palette even more. Making one dinner makes those kids skip dinner for the night. Bribing them to try a veggie makes them gag and gives them even more food anxiety than they had previously.
This article is meant for average picky kids. It’s helpful for the vast majority of moms. For moms like us though, making multiple dinners a meal can make them judge all they want but at least my kid will have dinner. About the judges I say, “being judgmental is a luxury because it means they never had to struggle with this. If they actually had this situation, they would understand”.
i don’t think pasta two ways is called two suppers. i think it’s called one base meal that everyone can season how he likes. after a long, tiring school day with so many demands (including eating what is served, which they mostly do, unless it’s my daughter with celiac whose school lunches are disgusting and she often comes home fasting), i’m not against dinner being chill. a plate of cut vegetables on the table, then me asking them “okay, what’s for supper”. eggs and pasta take a few minutes. we have a bunch of options like this. or they eat cornflakes and milk. or they’ll eat three bananas and call it supper. i really don’t care. they’re fed, it’s not junk, and we can move on. lately, my 4yo has been eating 2-3 plates of lunch in school at 2pm and is not hungry until bedtime. if they’re not acting hangry, it’s their issue, not mine. and if the house is stocked with ready food at the moment, i announce that i’m not cooking anything and they can decide what to eat from what there is.
Thanks for your article. People should be aware that there’s an eating disorder called ARPHID. It’s more than just being a picky eater. You can google it. There’s therapists that help kids with ARPHID. Sometimes being a picky eater can affect kids socially and it needs to be checked out.
Hi, I belive that the eating disorder you are refering to is called ARFID which stands for Avoident Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. This is more than the typical picky eating as described and cannot be treated with the same methods as regular picky eating. As a mother who struggled to get the help i needed for my child who has ARFID I am currently starting a email support group to help other parents deal with this little known and understood food disorder, if you would like to join please email arfidparents@gmail.com.