Your child is throwing a fit because he doesn’t like your dinner and he won’t eat it. So, what do you do?
What is the most effective way to parent in the following scenario?
A seven-year-old boy consistently “drives his mother crazy.” He came home one night and asked what was for supper. “Chicken and peas,” his mother replied.
The boy immediately went into a tirade about how he hates chicken and peas and his mother knows that and she still went ahead and made that for supper. He was being very disrespectful and giving her a hard time with his arguments and was demanding that she serve him noodles and cheese instead.
As if this weren’t enough, the boy started speaking to his other siblings, attempting to convince them that supper was terrible and that they should not eat it either. This boy’s mother has disciplined him strongly many times in the past, but nothing seems to help.
Here’s what the mother actually did.
The mother just went about her business as if nothing had happened. She calmly put the food on the younger children’s plates. They were so hungry that they began to eat immediately. The mother then put food on the older daughter’s plate. She too was hungry and began to eat.
But the boy did not want the food, and so the mother put no food on his plate. As the boy watched everyone else eating, he realized that this was the only supper he was going to get, and if he didn’t want to be hungry, it would be worthwhile for him to eat. And so he asked for some. After he finished what was on his plate, he asked for more. When the meal was over the boy said that the food was so good and that this was the best supper his mother had ever made, and that she should make it again tomorrow night.
Why did it work?
This child was acting out solely in order to receive negative attention. The minute the mother remained unfazed and did not get all agitated over the situation the child stopped the behavior, because he was no longer deriving any benefit from the negative attention.
Practically Speaking
When a child consistently drives you crazy or puts you into negative mode with his behavior…
- Act as if the child has done nothing wrong, and continue to go about your routine.
- Or even better you can say or do something positive such as smile to the child, or tell him you love him , even if it has nothing to do with the situation.
- This stops feeding the negative behavior, and the child is no longer encouraged to continue.
- Since the child is no longer able to incite you and get a rise out of you, you have taken away all the benefit and eliminated every reason for his acting out negatively.
So basically, force the child to eat the supper?
No force but don’t fuel the fire. Don’t get upset and make the situation worse. Remain complacent and then see how things progress. In this case that was all that was needed and the situation improved automatically.
If only this would work. I tried it more then once. If the kids a picky eater hunger won't help them eat the food they don't like.
That may be true. In this case the kid was not a picky eater, he just wanted to get his mother upset. Consequently not getting upset was the solution.
I don’t know… yes, the kid needs to learn how to say it with derech eretz, but why should he be forced to eat supper he doesn’t like? I wouldn’t want to eat food I don’t like either.
This was not a matter of the kid needing to say it with derech eretz, nor was this a matter of the kid not liking the supper.
The proof is that he did eat the supper and he said how much he liked it. If he truly did not like it then how could he suddenly come to like it.
It is clear that he really did like the supper just that he was in the mood to get his mother upset. That is why when she did not get upset the situation was resolved and he wound up eating the supper.
Totally unrealisric.
My son gags and throws up food that he doesnt like.
If you see the above comments you see that this is not a case where a child does not like the supper.
The proof in this case is in the result. This scenario actually happened and this was the real result.
In a case where a child really does not mind to eat the food but he is trying to press his mother’s buttons
if the mother will stay calm and not be fazed the child will capitulate and go along.
Such was the case in this case and that’ why it worked.
Hmm… “ This child was acting out solely in order to receive negative attention. The minute the mother remained unfazed and did not get all agitated over the situation the child stopped the behavior, because he was no longer deriving any benefit from the negative attention.”
Imagine if he received positive attention and connection rather than being ignored and invalidated. I wonder if that would have a stronger and more meaningful impact.
Did you not read the tips to smile and tell the child you love him with no connection to his negative behavior. Everyone needs to calm down with the woke 2021 parenting. Thank you Rabbi Brezak for some great tips!
Agreed! We need to stop being scared of our children. I think dinner wasn’t a good example because as some parents pointed out their children won’t be forced to eat. But this had great advice for a child who is constantly being difficult and looking for a reaction to their negative behavior.
Thank you for posting Chinuch tips from a well known chinuch expert. Some comments said their child wouldn’t eat the supper… my pickiest 6 year old wouldn’t either. But this tip at least would get them to control their tantrum, calm down, stop inciting the other kids, and then you can go onto plan B – which in my house is that if you don’t want supper you can either have A or B (something simple like a sandwich, nothing that take more than a minute to make) – after everyone else is finished eating the supper mommy prepared.