Sometimes I think…what did I do wrong? And sometimes I think…Hashem sent this challenge specially for us. One mother shares the conflicting thoughts of parenting a struggling teen who’s been in and out of yeshiva.
Editor’s Note: While this isn’t the format of a usual Between Carpools post, we felt that the honesty contained here is something that is important to share. There are so many people who will find chizzuk in knowing that they are not alone in their emotions and experiences, whether it’s a child who is out of school or a different struggle.
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Sometimes I think:
What did we do wrong as parents? Why is everyone else in his class doing okay? Where did my endlessly curious boy who loved learning go?
And sometimes I think:
School is a fictional construct, the system isn’t going to work for everyone, maybe my kid has good taste by opting out.
***
Sometimes I think:
What is going to be with him? Will he ever hold down a job? Be able to get married?
Have a family? Not feel totally burned by Yiddishkeit?
And sometimes I think:
The coolest adults dropped out of school and my kid is sweet and kind, he’ll be a great adult, we just have to hold on and believe in him.
***
Sometimes I think:
Is it too much to ask to just want to be home alone for a change? I thought by this stage with no toddlers I’d be able to have a regular, normal morning routine. I really want a morning routine that’s not interrupted.
And sometimes I think:
I’m so grateful he’s doing this now and not at 22 or 32 and that both my husband and I have job flexibility so we can be there for him.
***
Sometimes I think:
My heart is breaking from watching him struggle and watching the whole family impacted by him and his struggles.
And sometimes I think:
We all will be so much more compassionate towards others after going through this.
***
Sometimes I think:
How much money have we been spending on professional help???
And sometimes I think:
At least it’s not like last year when we were paying for Ubers back and forth and bribing him and paying for therapy and also tuition.
***
Sometimes I think:
We’re so alone in this struggle, why don’t people (family, friends, neighbors, classmates’ parents, his rebbe) reach out with a kind word?
And sometimes I think:
There are so many other families dealing with this now. When people innocently ask, “So what yeshiva is your son in?” and I say “Oh, he’s in between right now,” more often than not I hear some version of “My sister-in-law is dealing with that too! My niece has been out of school for months now, she’s losing her mind.”
***
Sometimes I think:
There HAS to be a silver bullet. We just haven’t found it yet— a therapist or medicine or alternative healing— that will turn this around. I need to fix this. I can’t see a path forward and I need one.
And sometimes I think:
There’s no silver bullet. Hashem has put us on this journey and we have to keep on looking for the next right thing to do to help him. It’s not the end of the story.
Anonymous is the tired and proud mother of a wonderful teenage boy who has been in and out of yeshiva for the last four years.
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