They don’t need all the things, but they do need some.
A basic human societal need is a sense of belonging. We value and encourage being your own unique self, but being part of a society requires a certain level of “fitting in.” This is not about changing who you are, hiding yourself behind a certain unofficial uniform, or stifling your tastes and interests.
When it comes to attending sleep away camp, especially for the first time, it’s important to start out with a sense of fitting into the crowd. Once everyone has gotten to know each other, and new friendships have been created based on personality, it’s a lot easier to be comfortable doing – and wearing – whatever you want. (We’re not talking about halachic standards or dress code rules.)
Does this mean you need to buy all the latest fashions, trends and gadgets to send along to camp? Absolutely not. But you should consider getting three or four.
The best way to know what is more important socially is to ask girls who go to the same camp. Do the girls tend to wear maxi skirts or knee length ones? Do they all wear funky printed socks, or just basic solid ones? Is there a name brand that is popular?
If the girls in the camp generally wear long skirts but your child is more comfortable in short ones, maybe get 2 long ones and the rest short. Like that she can break the ice with the more commonly worn look and then wear what she likes once she’s comfortable. Maybe she’ll switch to short skirts for sports, but wear the long ones in the evening after her shower. She can decide what she’s comfortable wearing – as long as she has the option.
And if fun socks are a thing, you don’t need to buy 12 new pairs. Get a 3 pack of great ones and she’ll look forward to getting them back from the laundry. (Fun socks are a great affordable gift if there’s an aunt or grandmother who’d like to treat a girl heading to camp.)
Name brands? Don’t go all out. “Everyone” wears lululemon? She doesn’t need more than a belt bag or a fun scrunchie to cash in on the social currency. Spending a bit more on accessories is more practical than spending on clothes because clothing has a high risk of being ruined in camp. Tech shirts are a thing? No need to spend on high end athletic brands – Old Navy and H&M have great options, too. Name brand shoes can be important – but Puma and Adidas work the same way that the expensive ones do – and it won’t hurt as much when they come home smelling of mildew.
Sometimes the little things that don’t really cost money are more important than the big tickets. If everyone hangs pictures of their family and friends on their wall, make sure to send some along. Do the girls huddle around their noodle soups late at night? Send a few. Personalized “stuff” can be a big deal. If you don’t have a Cricut, find a friend who does. Personalize her brush, her “nosh box” and her trip bag and it’s instantly upgraded to “soooooo cute”.
And while these things are generally more important to girls than boys, the boys also have their things. Maybe it’s having a bluetooth speaker or LED lights to decorate the bunk bed. Maybe it’s specifically Nike sneakers. And, of course, the Tiros. Find out what is popular in their camp, and provide at least some of it.
There will be kids who have no interest in these things. Maybe a child who is a little unaware of petty societal norms. Or maybe a child who is so comfortable in their current environment that they can’t imagine a setting in which that confidence might be shaken. They might need it more than anyone else.
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This is great if a child is insecure or has a need to be like “everyone else”. But the most important thing is to give your child the feeling of confidence that they don’t “need things” to give them security or make them likeable.
From my personal experience, the funnest kids in camp were those that were authentic, original thinkers (and dressers i.e. ‘old fashioned’) and not busy with all the “fitting in” shtick.
Another great tip is to tell your teens to “look out and include others” in camp. These kind of messages make a child look outward and boosts their self-worth and confidence.
So true! Not knocking this article at all, and I make sure my kids have what they feel they need, but we should definitely try to instill more confidence in our children instead of trying to get them all their stuff…
She made it very clear that you don’t have to do this. But it is helpful if the mom isn’t so “cool” and needs help understanding her kids needs. Like a big sister helping out. Thank you BCP!
This is a great article! Very well balanced!
I think this really was thought – out and very practical. Of course “fitting in” is not a replacement for true self-esteem. But, feeling like you are starting out on level footing as your peers can really help a kid be able to express him/herself fully without unnecessary social anxiety.
Great article! Thank you!!
Thank you for this article!!
Wonderful article, thank you! Sometimes it’s good to hear these things from another mother, not just your kid saying “But, everyone has this!” I also like Dinah’s comment about reminding our children to be inclusive. So important.
I ordered colorful light up shoelaces from amazon
From the one who can never keep up with what’s in, a huge THANK YOU!!
This is basically saying- your child will be judged by what they have or don’t have. How about telling parents to teach their kids to be kind to everyone and share their noodle soups if someone doesn’t have? Especially kids from out of town that can’t fly with a nosh box. Tell them to go out of their way to get to know new people from different places that may be different than where they are from. People work hard to get their kids to camp. This added pressure of make sure your kids are cool enough is literally telling people it’s ok to judge people so spend more money so yours won’t be the neb until they get to know your child’s fantastic personality. Just say it’s not ok!!! Be kind, inclusive, understanding of other backgrounds and places that others come from. Tell your kids to participate in all activities, go out of their way to introduce themselves in the beginning, and smile a lot. They will fit in just fine.
Thanks for your comment. This rings very true.