The one thing only you can give your child is the one thing they need to blossom in life. Love.
One evening in June of 2017, I walked into my daughters’ bedroom to catch a glimpse of them before I turned in for the night. I saw two angelic little girls, heads tilted to the side, hair dangling off the bed, chests rising up and down, up and down, as they slept peacefully. And the one thing I wished they felt deep in their bones is the one thing I whispered in their ears while fixing their covers: “Mommy loves you.”
As much as I know how important it is for children to absorb this message from their early youth, I receive the most powerful reminders of this in the emotional coaching work I do with adult women. On that evening, I had just come up from the room where I sat with two women in back-to-back sessions, each one with her own story, her own journey, but both with the same underlying pain: I don’t feel good enough. I never felt good enough for my mother. I don’t feel that my mother loves me just as I am.
Although part of our growing up work is taking responsibility for our own happiness, now that I was watching the rise and fall of my daughters’ chests, I wondered about my own parenting. We mothers invest our heart and soul in raising our precious children. From morning to night and beyond, they are the focus of our lives. Before carpools, after, and in between, our lives revolve around the delicious human beings Hashem has chosen to place in our care. Still, things happen. A comment said in a moment of tension, stress, or disappointment, a harsh gesture expressed in anger—our children are so, so delicate, their emotional world so raw and absorbent.
Can we ever be careful enough? We can’t. But just as our children are human, so are we. By virtue of our humanness, we will err. And that’s okay. But for all the other times, when we are in a right state of mind and our heart is open toward our children, the most important message we can impart is how much we love them. It’s this one message that they will carry in their heart through adolescence into adulthood that will empower them to lead a life of happiness, confidence, and connection. While this is a feeling they absorb through our actions and subtle messages, it’s also important for them to actually hear us say it to them. And so, as I walked out of my girls’ bedroom that evening, the thought struck me, “Wouldn’t it be nice if I could read my kids a book about this at bedtime? Wouldn’t it be nice for them to fall asleep with cozy thoughts of love and happiness, secure in the knowledge that Mommy loves them?”
And I got to work. That evening, I sat and wrote, line after line, cutting, pasting, writing, deleting, telling the story of my heart on paper (er, screen). Wow, I thought as I wrote, we moms do so much for our kids. We express our love in so many ways. Why not reiterate it for them? Why not give them the good feeling that they’re being cared for and pampered all day long by the one person in the world who loves them more than they can imagine?
On that night, the first draft of My Mommy Loves Me was born. The next morning at breakfast, when I was still feeling all fuzzy inside, I told the kids that I had a surprise for them at bedtime: I wanted to read them the draft, to watch their eyes light up as they hear, in fun poetry, the many things Mommy does out of her love for them. But something happened in between—one of my daughters broke a rule, which meant she would be getting a punishment. And she very vocally let us all know that she wasn’t happy about that. There was crying, stomping, “You’re such a mean Mommy” talk and all that stuff that had the potential to snuff out all that fuzziness I’d felt just a few hours before. I wondered how the book would go over with that disgruntled kid. But a promise was a promise, and so, when she was all tucked in, I started to read. “No matter what I do, No matter where I go, There is one happy thought, I always feel and know. It makes me smile wide; It fills my heart with glee. I feel really special… ‘Cause my mommy loves me!”
When I finished reading, my daughter was quiet for a long moment. Then, she looked at me and said, “Even though I hate when you punish me, you do it because you love me. Right, Mommy?” And so, that night, I knew there was something I needed to add to the book that would become a sacred part of our bedtime ritual: the not-so-fuzzy part of parenting, but the part that expresses our love to our children just as much. Whether it’s making them eat the food they’d rather trade in for candy or go to bed when they still want to play outside, even the things that don’t feel good in the moment are just as much an expression of our love for them.
Pointing out the many wonderful deeds we do for our children is just one way to express how much we love them. Here are some more ways we can impart this vital message:
*Surprise them “just because.” This could be by picking up one child at a time earlier from school and spending a half hour or so together doing their favorite activity, or buying something we know they like “just because I was thinking of you.”
*Prepare their favorite dishes. Of course, point out, “I cooked this today because I love you and I know you really like this.” I like to ask one kid on a random morning, “What would you like for supper tonight? I want to make something you love.” They love asking, “Why?” They know what’s coming 🙂
*Spend 10 minutes of time alone with each child every day. This tip, which I learned from Rebbetzin Spetner (she still keeps up this practice, more or less, with her thirteen married children), may be more challenging to implement but is certainly worthwhile. It can be anytime: while you’re waiting together for the bus or carpool in the morning, while you’re cooking—calling one child over and asking them for their company, during bath time, or, of course, at bedtime. The reason the 10-minute chunk is so important is because we want our children to feel that Mommy is totally there for them, that it’s not a rush-rush interaction. If they get used to the idea of having 10 whole minutes together (almost) every day, they develop this sense of security. It’s interesting to observe how they end up “saving” stuff they want to share for this time.
*Join the Drop the Phone initiative! While quality time is important, quantity is equally so. We can’t foster a relationship from 10-minute interactions, even if they happen daily. Rather, the more time we spend being present to our children’s lives, the more they feel that they’re a priority in our life.
*As I’ve seen in my work with adults and in my own life, while it’s important for children to grow up feeling loved—all those happy memories of the good times we spent together—it’s even more important for our children to feel that we love them unconditionally. That is, not on any “Only if…” conditions, just “I love you for who you are.” This one’s the real challenge; there are no 1-2-3 steps here. Rather, we must first take an honest look at ourselves and see whether this is true or not. How do I feel when my child does something that doesn’t sit well with me? How much does it affect the way I feel about him or her? Am I living my life vicariously through my children, expecting them to be or become XYZ?
While being a parent may be accompanied by heartache or frustration, for our love to remain intact is what unconditional love means. How forgiving are we? Being able to answer this question in the way we’d like usually involves looking inside ourselves, too, to see how forgiving we are of our own selves, how okay we are with our own humanness, our own imperfection. But even if we’re not there yet, we can certainly start with the technical steps of showing unconditional love—such as telling a child who brings home a dismal score, “What matters to me is that you tried your best. I love you just the same.” This could be followed by, “Is there anything I can do to help you do better?” But the practical part pales in comparison to the vital emotional component here. Other examples are not being hard on a child who ruined something, relating with kindness and understanding to a child whose appearance isn’t as we please, or telling a child who broke a rule (in all honesty), “It pains me to have to punish you, but I’m doing this because I love you and I want you to learn to live your best life.”
This message must be conveyed in no uncertain terms also to those children who do well, the “easy” ones in the bunch. They must hear that their parents’ love is not “because you’re our nachas machine.” The older a child gets, the more they need to hear and feel this: My parents love me no matter what.
In the merit of all the great things we mothers do for our children, may they all grow up feeling loved, cherished, and special.
Spread the Mommy love!
In the comments below, write one way in which you expressed your love to your child today. One lucky commenter will receive a free copy of My Mommy Loves Me, with a note from Shiffy.
Announcing the lucky winner of the free book! It’s Toby, who wrote: I gave my daughter a bracelet to wear and told her that when she looks at it wherever she is, in school etc…it should remind her “my mommy loves me always.” (Winner was chosen through a lottery.) A special thanks to every woman who contributed to this important discussion!
If you’d like to purchase the book, Israel Bookshop Publications is offering a 10% discount off the already discounted web price just for BCP readers! Go to www.israelbookshoppublications.com and enter Mommy10BCP at checkout.
What a nice article!
My daughter Mimi did exceptionally well on her chumish test today. She worked very hard and succeeded BH. Mommy celebrated by dancing through the kitchen, living room and dining room, singing and dancing Mimi’s praises! Mimi will be treated to a night out with mommy since she scored really well after truly working hard.
Sorry to be a killjoy, but that did not show Mimi “Mommy’s unconditional love”. You showed her that Mommy loves when Mimi gets good marks. What will happen when Mimi doesn’t do well on her test?
I’m not saying you can’t celebrate good marks, but remember that’s not showing your love for your child. Make sure they know you love them even without the good marks.
Sorry. I want to amend my comment, you showed Mimi that mommy loves when she works hard, very important. But perhaps not answering the question of this article
There was obviously a history here. We worked on a specific skill together for a while now. Her mark just showed us both how well her hard work and effort paid paid off. She knew that it was mommy’s time and devotion to all matters that helped her reach her goal. This specific goal was super important to her. I make it very very clear in my house that marks dont matter. Effort does. And I sure am glad that she saw that. That was the reason for celebration. Not her mark 🙂
I heard this at a shiur from my Rav – every night when I sit at my children’s beds to shmooze and say shema, I end off with the possuk of “Yivarechicha Hashem v’yishmirecha…” to show them that I am asking Hashem to shower them with Bracha no matter what state our relationship was that day (had to use consequences, had only good interactions etc). I’ve explained why I say this to my kids and they really like it (on whatever level they grasp it). It shows them that no matter what I love them and want only the best for them!
Thanks, Shaindy! Nice!
Powerful article!
I told my 5 year old son at bedtime to think of a game from the toy closet that Mommy will play with him on Shabbos.
Thanks, Mom! That was one thing I wish I would have included in the book–but remembered too late!
When davening for my children’s success etc, I started also to daven that I should be worthy of raising my children and successful in improving my personal challenges because I understand how it directly affects my parenting. During bedtime I told each one of my kids something they did today that made me so proud of them.
So true, CR. Beautiful idea!
I am not a person of many words (not even to my children) but I do my best every day just to sit next to my 3 kids individually and just snuggle them (sometimes with talking and some without) for a few minutes even when they watch TV or play in the computer or anything else that they are busy with .. just the touch itself I think bring a lot of confidence and the understanding that I truly love them no matter what!
I think so too, Debora! Thanks for sharing!
I tell my children at bedtime every night how much I love them as part of our bedtime routine. Also, by making the effort to spend time playing and reading books every day after school, I get to show them how special and important they are to me.
Nice, Batsheva!
I was singing and dancing with my 6 yr old son to make him in s good mood
An extra long kiss and hug, that only ended when my son puked away. I didn’t end the hug until then.
I cut up a bunch of different vegetables and two types of dressing or I’ll cut up fruit, and leave it on the table right before the kids get home from school . Right when they walk in they are so hungry and they have a nutritious and delicious snack. They love it!
I learned this trick from my sister in law that’s is the CALMEST role model model… When each child wakes up in the morning, or when greeting after coming home from school. Take a full minute, look in the eye and genuinely greet them as if they are a very special close friend that you haven’t seen in a long time. With a physical touch also. Biggest trick is to ignore any annoying or bad mood they are in,. And just transfer the LOVE. This has worked wonders! Try it!!
I love this idea, Rivka! Thanks for sharing!
I made up a special song that we sing together at night ( I made it up when he was a baby. When i had a baby and he was staying by my sister he told her u didnt sing the song about how much you love me … he taught her the song and had her sing it for him while he was there ( he was already 5 at the time ) also just spending an extra five minutes standing by the bus stop together or waiting outside for his bus to come hes already 9 and can really walk alone ..
T. Says : I gave my daughter a bracelet to wear and told her that when she looks at it wherever she is, in school etc…it should remind her “my mommy loves me always”.
I made sure this morning to hug my kids and tell them how much they are loved before heading off to school. Even with a hectic morning I wanted to let them know how i feel about them and help them get ready for the day waiting ahead of them in school.
Thank you for sharing this article we are always trying to be the best mom, get everything done etc but the very best mom doesn’t need everything to look perfect instead she needs her kids to feel that she deeply loves them.
Spent ten minutes just talking right before she falls asleep, ending off with a kiss, cuddle and special good night song. This is our bedtime routine forever and we both love it!!
I told my daughter that Mommy over her for being herself . She is true to herself and does what she thinks is right and I think that’s a great gift, not to be influenced by others and to be trie to yourself.
I told my daughter that Mommy loves her for being herself . She is true to herself and does what she thinks is right and I think that’s a great gift, not to be influenced by others and to be trie to yourself.
Wow, how beautifully written! I apologized to my 5 year-old for the harsh tone I used when asking him to do something. He was so accepting, and made the cutest, softest voice when he said, “Okay, maybe next time you could say it like…….” That taught me a lot about forgiveness.
I spoke about how helpful and mature my 5 year old was with helping us get ready for shabbos early within her earshot-her beaming face told me how much that meant to her! I try to be on the lookout and compliment my kids directly as well when they do something good,
I let my son pick the shabbos menu in honor of his birthday!
I always give him a huge hug and kiss before he gets on the bus
Amazing article! I always tell the children I love them when they leave to school and give them a kiss. I would love to get a copy if this book to read to them at bedtime!
I daven for them.
I always tell my kids that I love them, especially when im upset with them. I make sure to make a point of it. “You know Ima still loves you, even though im upset with you, right?”
before they leave to cheder i always bentch them with yivarechicha… and finish off whispering ki mmalachav yitzave lach lishmorcha…. as they get on the bus. they ask for it if i forget….
My husband doesn’t have the minhag to vent his our children Friday night,, so I took it upon myself to vent her them. I always whisper to them a special hope that I have for them; learn well, harzlicha with your new friendship… and end with a hug & kiss; even my bochurim!
This is so beautiful! I’d like to start doing something like this.
Sorry, meant to write bentch
I like to sit down on the couch with each one individually when they come home from school and talk about their day.
Made my son a homemade birthday cake for Shabbos even though he’s been particularly difficult lately !
I wrote on his snack bag today mommy is thinking about you.
As usual… I’m impressed! U always know what matters best!
I loved the article and am intrigued
Would love to get the book indeed!!
Made and braided a challah dough
Put away a piece for my kids, although
I know
That the kids will make a mess and push and throw
But it makes them happy
And their faces glow
So how can I say no?!?!
Nice poem, Yudit! And beautiful idea. Thanks for the compliment!
My daughter loves when I leave a note for her with her prepared clothing for the morning. Even though I was tired I wrote her a note about how much I appreciate her extra shabbos help.
PS i know notes mean alot to her because she writes notes to me.
Thanks shiffy for”really getting what’s important to us” and sharing your wonderful ideas.
Before my kids leave to school in the morning I let them know that I’ll be davening for them. To do well on a test & just for them to have a good day! It really brightens them up & sends them off on the right leg…
It’s Motzei Shabbos here in Yerushalayim and I just sat down to my computer to find all of these beautiful, moving messages here. All I can say is “Wow!” What a kiddush Hashem! Here we are, a group of warm, dedicated mothers, trying to do our best to raise our children with love. May you all see lots of nachas!
I will post the winner tomorrow, Sunday night, iyH.
I let my son braid the challah for Shabbos even though I knew it was going to look less than perfect–and when he decided to shape it like a teddy bear with pompoms all over it, I went with it. He was so proud to show it off.
Lots of hugs and kisses and snuggles 🙂
I sat with my daughter and had a “picnic” on the “beach” and let her feed me. She was so happy!!!
I try tell my kids I love them every day accompanied by a long squeezing hug. This takes place every day Be’ezrat Hashem no matter how crazy the day was. Recently when one of my daughters was the shabbos mommy at schooli made sure to buy her most favorite treat to hand out to her friends. She was SO happy!
I cover my boys with their blanket and kiss them almost every night. Tonight, I told them, “I loves you more than anything else in this whole world!”
Remembering what makes my children happy and doing it for them even the smallest things! For example, singing ashrei haAm, my sons favorite song since simchas Torah to him before he goes to sleep makes him break out into a huge smile … Also taking one child individually with me shopping is such a great time to bond and show that child that they are important by asking which cereal/snack we should buy which fruits to put in the salad etc. Its worth keeping them up past their bedtime every few weeks! Last but not least is writing this comment which I never do because I love my son so much and know he would love such a book…!
There are some really nice and thoughtful ideas to do /say to show how you love and care for your children. I like to take some time to tell each of my kids what I love about them and that that is part of what makes them special.
And just as important as telling my children that I love then each night I also tell them that Hashem loves them even more. As parents we can’t always protect our children from others as hard as we try. But if my children know that there is a Being Who is always there and loves them the most they will feel loved and protected wherever they are.
When I went to pta, left each child a note and treat in their desk.
Today, I worked on making three separate scavenger hunts one for each kid on their own level which will be done one night of Chanukah and which all finish in the same spot where their presents for that night will be hidden. This is their favorite night of Chanukah and they wait for it. One child gets actual clues to read, one gets zoomed up photos where he needs to figure out what it is a picture of and the youngest just gets actual photos of spots in the house. It is extremely time consuming to create especially that each child has a completely different hunt and needs it tailor made for their age. I was telling my daughter today that I was working on it and her face lit up and I told her, “you know, this scavenger hunt takes tons of time to make but I do it anyway do you know why? She told me, it’s because you love us, right?” I told her that’s right, I love you all so much and I will do anything for you. She was so happy.
I have a weekly rotation going between my children. Each week one is chosen to go Shabbos shopping and they get to pick the shabbos nosh and weekly snacks and help with filling the wagon with all the food. It makes them feel special spending time alone with Mommy. Each night we say Shema together and they each take a turn relating something that they were thankful to Hashem for that day.. i.e Thank you Hashem that I did well on my test. We also add Please Hashem for something that they wish and hope for. I then give them a kiss and tell them I love them and so does Hashem. I stay with them until they fall asleep.
sounds like a book i would love to go buy today!!
i try implementing Rebbetzin Spetner tip everyday
– that i spend 10 minutes with each child
– to touch your child once during the day
i find it now that my boys are bigger so important
because they are out of the house for so many hours
and they need those 10 minutes of unconditional love
when they come home for so short!
Before my kids head out to school I wish them good luck and say love you! When they go to bed the little ones I sing a small chant – love u chant that tatty loves u mommy loves and hashem loves you most!
For Rosh Chodesh I like to prepare the night before a note on the counter for each kid to their level with love ! And add a goody ????
After saying shma, we have a little chant that ends with I love you!
My daughter got such a good report card with top marks on the derech eretz/effort/davening section. After telling her how amazing she is and giving her a big kiss, we called both Bobby’s to share the nachas.
we have a special handshake when they go off to school
Your book sounds delightful. When my older kids were little, I used to plan a special day with each of them from time to time, meeting them after school, buying a treat to eat and a toy or book. Now they are adults but still have fond memories of those special days My marrief daughter just told me she is expecting her first baby, besha’ah tova, and she hopes to be as good a mommy as I was.
My youngest son is now 16 but I still often leave him a little note wishing him a good day and I see that he saves them.
I always play games with my kids while eating supper or coloring a little before bedtime!!
No phone during homework, supper and bedtime and they know they are my priority and they come first.
Wow! Beautiful concept! I try to sing to my kids at bedtime each night:
“Sara “Last Name”, Tatty, Mommy and Hashem love you
You are our delicious girlie
We always want the very best for you
Much more than we can say
A Gutte Nacht!
Shluf Gezundeheit!
We love you,
Forever and ever and ever….
Hi!
what a beautiful and important article. thank you Shiffy!
i just want to mention that for many of us, although we love our kids fiercely, we are perhaps reticent or a little shy to actually say the words I love you. this is especially true regarding our tweens and teens. do not be scared off by your kids eye roll or dismissive reaction. as the days go by and the words roll off your tongue more naturally your kids will wait to hear this affirmation from you and will benefit tremendously!
I make sure to let my kids know while they’re doing the wrong thing that I love them no matter what. Example: Ora I love you when you laugh and play (she’s 3) but guess if Ima loves you even if you’re hitting? Yes I do! We’re not allowed to hit, but Ima still loves you. Even when you’re happy. Grumpy, funny, silly, sad… I love you. Know why? Just bec you’re Ora! (Bec she will never not be Ora so she doesn’t have to try to be a certain way)