Even if you think otherwise some of the time.
Once in a while, you experience a paradigm shift. You know, when a new piece of information is introduced and suddenly, you’re seeing a situation, or a person, or life… through an entirely new pair of glasses.
Like the time when you were 6 and you saw your father sneaking that dollar into the spot under your pillow where your tooth used to be.
Or you’re all annoyed at your sister for ignoring your vulnerable apology text – and then find out her 3-year-old used her phone as a bath toy last night.
Or when your 8-year-old is diagnosed with ADD and you suddenly recognize why you struggled so much during your own school years.
So I’d like to invite you to re-examine a day-in-the-life-of-supermom through the lens of this axiom:
Your husband wants you to be happy. Most likely, you’re going to be hearing some skeptical voices here. Something along the lines of – Well, maybe. Some of the time. Because surely if he really wanted me to be happy, he would take over bath time and homework duty when he gets home, wash the dishes after Ma’ariv, get me the eternity band that I’ve been hinting about for ages, and stop wearing that ratty T-shirt on Sundays.
And if he doesn’t do those things – well, doesn’t that prove that he doesn’t care much about my happiness after all?
Well, that’s certainly possible. But let’s consider another, much more common reason: Could it be that you are unintentionally telegraphing your husband messages that he can’t fully please you? Because if that’s a possibility, then it wouldn’t be too surprising if he just started to give up trying – right?
But let us, for a moment, give your husband the benefit of the doubt, and assume that he, like the vast majority of husbands responding to surveys, feels that it is “very important” that his wife be happy.
Can I work with that? Or, to put it more succinctly – now that I’ve changed my glasses, how can I respond in a way that allows his (temporarily buried) husbandly instincts to shine through?
Here are some ways to capitalize on your newly acquired 20/20 vision:
- When he does something that you want – say, install the new Ikea bookcase – show appreciation WITHOUT qualification. So… resist the urge to explain to him what he should have done instead (but the Pesach dish box is still in the hallway!), how he could have done it better (it would have gone a lot faster if you had read the instructions), or what is wrong with it (Uch, I knew I should have gotten black instead of white).
- Take responsibility for your own happiness FIRST, by getting the help you need (be it chesed girls, time management skills, or cutting back on unnecessary work), and doing the things that you enjoy (reading, stretching, meditating with music… even if only for a few minutes a day!) Is this easy? No, of course not. But keep in mind that it is much more motivating for a husband to “top off” a wife who has taken care of filling her happiness needs 90%, than to try to fill up an endlessly needy, depleted bottomless pit.
- Next time your husband comes home, try this simple hack (but step back in case he passes out from shock): SMILE. Yes, smile like you’re happy to see him (you are, right? Even if it’s because he’s going to hold the baby so you can go to the bathroom. Finally). Once you retrain your cheekbone muscles for a few weeks, feel free to test out your new exercise at random times during the day. (You can even try it when he calls your cell – yes, he can hear the difference in your voice. And don’t forget the 😊emojis).
What do all these hacks have in common? They demonstrate to your hubby that he can be successful in making you happy – which is a powerful motivator for him to take the initiative. (Beware – side effects may include your husband wanting to spend more time with you – after all, a happy wife is an attractive wife!).
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