You’re rushing around frantically, cleaning for Shabbos, preparing for Sheva Brachos or getting the kids to bed. Ahh, finally, your husband is home. He lets himself in, and collapses on the couch.
And he sits. You mop up the splattered tomato sauce. And he sits. You shove errant Legos into containers. And he sits. You narrowly prevent your six year old’s finger from digging into the chocolate caramel fondant. And he sits. And finally, you do what any self-respecting, card carrying wife would do. You explode in frustration and say: “How can you just sit there when I’m running around like a lunatic? Get off the couch and help!”
And he deserves it, right? (I see those hands raised, ladies, you can put them down now). Let’s take a few steps back, now, and take a tour of your thoughts, shall we? Because I’m pretty sure I heard them do something like this:
- How could he be sitting there obliviously on the couch?
- He shouldn’t be sitting there doing nothing when I’m so clearly desperate for help!
- He should realize on his own and offer his assistance!
Why? Because those words are eminently unhelpful. Firstly, because he IS or DID, so clearly, on some level, it’s kind of futile to protest reality, isn’t it? Since you can’t actually control another person, investing a lot of energy in how he should be behaving differently is not going to be very productive.
Secondly, says who? Certainly according to your upbringing, personality, and particular logic, he should be behaving a certain way. But since he is not, could it be that he has (gasp) a different perspective (conscious or unconscious) than you do?
Finally, what motivations are you ascribing to his actions? That he is lazy? Inconsiderate? Just plain mean spirited? Can you be open to the possibility that he has an entirely different set of thought processes, logic, and expectations – or perhaps none at all?
He could be thinking “What a stressful, exhausting day I had. I sure do need a rest.” Or “ I’ll be ready in another few minutes, and then I’ll offer to help. Or, “Looks like my wife has everything under control. I’m sure if she needs my help she’ll ask me for it.” Or – perhaps most likely of all – he is simply thinking… nothing. Yes, my dear fellow females – it’s really true. Many men are actually entirely oblivious to the chaos, mess, or noise around them. It’s not a character flaw. It’s just a matter of his brain being wired…differently. And that’s OK.
Now I’m sure you haven’t forgotten why we’re here. And that is to get to our original goal, namely: getting him off the couch and into the kitchen. But truthfully, we’re already halfway there. Because when you take away the “should,” you’ve changed everything: your perspective, your emotions, and most importantly, your body language and tone of voice. (‘Cuz no matter how much you try to hide it, he already recognizes That Tone. And you may have noticed it doesn’t actually accomplish what you really want in the long run.)
What comes next? Well, how about if you actually… Say what you want? (earth-shattering, I know). Something like, “Shloimy, I’m a bit overwhelmed here. Would you please hold the baby so I can finish straightening up over here?” And after he does it? How about “Thanks! That made me so happy. I was able to get things done so much more quickly.”
** What’s that you say? You want him to offer help BEFORE you ask for it? Well, there’s no guarantee of that, nor is it necessary. After all, you already know how to get to your end result – by asking him, remember? **
What magic have you created by getting rid of the “should”? I’d love to hear about it!
Are you sure you’re not in my house (and my brain) spying on me?! You described everything that goes on (including my thoughts) to the tee! Thanks for this article. Was exactly what I need.
I agree 100% if we take the should out of the equation and ask for what we need/want our husband’s will mostly be more then willing to help out. However at what point can we expect them to finally understand what we need on their own. If we wives need to understand that husbands are wired differently then the husband’s need to realize that we wives are also wired differently. And sometimes the mere act of them initiating means the world to us.
RS –
You have a great point!
This article is written for wives. Of course if I could talk to men, I would encourage them to notice on their own what their wives need – and it may or may not have an effect.
A mashal that has worked for me is when I hear my male relatives talking about sports. They understand what they are watching, describe it in great detail afterwards, get enthusiastic about it, get excited or depressed depending on who wins. And all I can think is – even if you PAID me to be able to that, I just. Couldn’t. My brain just doesn’t work like that.
Having said that, in the big picture your greatest chance of success comes from your enthusiastic thanks for the times your husband DOES help you. And if he ever does notice something on his own and offer to help – then that goes 10X. At worst, it will strengthen your relationship (and that’s great!). At best, it may eventually bring about a shift in your husband’s perspective.
Hi ZS – doesn’t it feel good to know you’re not the only one?? 😉 So glad it was helpful – I would love to hear how it goes!
This article was me erev Shabbos, thinking that I was going to find my husband upstairs lying in the bed listening to a podcast while I was running around like a crazy woman. I took a deep breath and tried not to continue down that path. When I did go upstairs, I found him listening to a podcast and folding the pile of laundry that I hadn’t managed to get to
SL – What a nice surprise! You can grab the opportunity to deepen your connection AND increase the likelihood of future bouts of spontaneous helpfulness by showing your enthusiastic appreciation – both for the help, and for doing it without your prompting. There’s no limit on demonstration of thankfulness – feel free to repeat it one or 2 times over the next day or 2, with a big smile of course.
Thank you, this is awesome!!
Once heard a beautiful quote “love ends where expectations begin”…
That being said I’ve found that what keeps husbands back from helping especially in chaotic times is
* The feeling of “Ill never get it right with her anyway” if he does start mopping then she’ll holler that the counters should be cleaned first…if he’ll do the counters she’ll complain the cooking wasn’t done.
*What helps for husband and even adult kids is clearly and kindly sharing my expectations…”I would love it if you could —” and ofc making them feel like heros when they do “I was able to wear makeup this friday night and grab a light meal because of all your help and hard work. I couldntve done it without you, I feel so much more relaxed…”
*The attitude of “the heck with him I’ll just figure it out myself breeds resentment which is a marriage killer
Beautifully and engagingly articulated, wisely delivered; a great mind-switch.
Thank you Shyla for the recommondation!
I get so frustrated especially on friday afternoons when he comes home and puts his feet up. It’s really not ok!
Communication is the key!!
Yes, I agree totally that communication is the key – and it’s most effective when it’s not coming from a place of judgement.
Check out the 2nd to last paragraph again:
What comes next? Well, how about if you actually… Say what you want? (earth-shattering, I know). Something like, “Shloimy, I’m a bit overwhelmed here. Would you please hold the baby so I can finish straightening up over here?” And after he does it? How about “Thanks! That made me so happy. I was able to get things done so much more quickly.”
Beautifully and engagingly articulated, wisely delivered; a great mind-switch.